Series 2 Stalking
- Series 2 Episode 2
- 10 min
Abuse needs silence to thrive.
In this series, Simonne Butler, herself a survivor of a vicious attack by her ex-partner, meets those brave enough to break their silence.
NARRATOR: Leaving an abusive relationship is meant to end the cycle of violence and control, but for some, the nightmare continues in the form of stalking.
An estimated 15% of stalking cases worldwide result in homicide.
Tina was stalked by her ex-husband for over three years. For protection, her identity has been concealed.
TINA: It was all consuming. There was not one part of my life that it didn't impact. It impacted friendships, my job and my ability to focus on my son.
I think when we talk about stalking, it conjures up this sort of image of someone following them home from a night out down a dark alleyway. That's not modern-day stalking.
Most stalking, in my experience, is phones. Typically because we have them on us all the time, but it's also through email and social media.
NARRATOR: Cyberstalking is a very real form of domestic abuse. Security specialist and ex-detective Darren works with victims to help them deal with the nightmare.
DARREN: When the offender is sending a text, or an email, or turning up, that's all the downtime. When the victim is wondering when the next text is going to come, when the next email is coming, when the next trip is being made.
So it's not just at that point of actual offending. And that's why stalking is a 24/7 nightmare for these victims.
SIMONNE: And so, how long is this?
TINA: This was only 13 months of messages.
SIMONNE: Wow.
NARRATOR: Tina had no idea that her partner would become so obsessed when she first started dating him.
TINA: He was lovely when I first met him. He was good looking, really educated.
SIMONNE: You said you were in the relationship for about 12 months before the physical violence started. Were there any red flags?
TINA: Yeah, looking back, there were a lot of red flags. I think during those 12 months I knew that things weren't okay, but I guess you kind of hope that you're wrong.
You know, I was in a good position in my life. I had a really good job. I had great friends. I lived in a great area. It didn't happen to people like me.
SIMONNE: I felt the same. I was educated. I was independent. Never in a million years thought it would happen to me at all.
TINA: You are so desperate to try and fix it. Something would trigger some kind of angry episode. Typically, that would end up resulting in violence.
He would punch. He would hit. If we were at home, usually my head. In the car, arms and legs.
I ended up with quite a big dentist bill from one of the attacks from him.
SIMONNE: After you moved out to escape the abuse, what happened?
TINA: It got worse.
I got myself just a small rental property. What I thought was going to be a safe place to be, and I thought I'd have the opportunity to sort of put my life back on track.
We had a child, so I still had to communicate with him.
But what he then did over the next nearly three years was worse.
NARRATOR: Domestic abuse is very much about coercion and control, and stalking is a continuation of this.
As Dr. Alison Towns explains.
DR. ALISON TOWNS: The defining feature of domestic violence is excessive control of a person. So, in the context of stalking, that control can prevent her from doing the things that she wants to do.
DARREN: These victims are living 24/7 hell.
NARRATOR: And having a child together meant Tina couldn't just change her phone number.
TINA: He just wouldn't leave me alone. And when I say he wouldn't leave me alone, he wouldn't leave me alone, ever.
All day. All night. He would contact me via text messages.
SIMONNE: What sort of messages did he send? Were they threatening?
TINA: Actually, if you take one message and read it, there were a lot of "I love you" and "I miss you." "I just want to be with you. If you would just be with me, everything would be okay."
So, if you took all the messages, and there were thousands, most of them were not that threatening.
But they were just constant. And then they would ramp up to, "Why aren't you answering? Why aren't you answering the way I want you to?"
And they would get angry. That anger would always happen.
I mean, I knew what he was capable of. So there was always fear.
He would send emails. He would phone all the time.
The messages were really long. I would know a message was coming because I could see he was typing a message and it would sometimes take four hours for him to send that message.
You'd think, "Just put the phone in a drawer. Walk away. Go for a walk. Do something else."
But you actually can't. It renders you so full of anxiety, waiting for that message to come.
DR. ALISON TOWNS: There is no doubt that digital media has brought stalking much more into people's lives. Many victims of stalking talk of being imprisoned in their own home.
[eerie music]
TINA: He used to do things like look in the rubbish.
One evening, I was sitting at home on my own, my child was in bed, and I turned on my Bluetooth speaker. About 15 minutes after I put it on, the Bluetooth speaker said it was connected to his phone.
So I knew at that point he was outside.
But you know, there is nothing you can do. You just sit tight and hope nothing bad is going to happen.
I'm not afraid to ask for help. I did reach out, but no one could stop him doing what he was doing.
DARREN: It's not seen as a real crime. It's seen as just somebody annoying somebody, which is the sad thing about the Harassment Act.
Because stalking comes under the Harassment Act. Now, if you think of harassment, or any normal person thinks of harassment, it's like somebody being annoying to you.
Well, this is nothing about being annoying to somebody. This is about psychologically controlling somebody's life.
The authorities do need to look at legislation that is more specific to the offences of stalking.
DR. ALISON TOWNS: Other developed countries have criminal stalking laws. We don't have a criminal stalking law. We have not taken stalking seriously.
Stalkers are extremely dangerous and can be stalking with a view to killing that person. Stalking is associated with homicide.
TINA: I knew that from the messages, and the sheer volume and intensity of them, that he wasn't in a normal space.
The obsession had become so profound, I actually thought that he was going to drive off the harbour bridge with our child in the car, or he was going to kill me, or all of us.
Yeah, I was really, really, really scared at that point.
NARRATOR: Tina had good reason to be scared.
76% of all women murdered by an ex-partner were stalked first.
Despite the lack of a dedicated stalking law, there are things the justice system can do, which Tina found when she went to the Police fearing for her own safety.
TINA: I wanted there to be a record, at least with the Police, of what was happening. So that if anything happened, they knew who it was.
There had been police involvement through the relationship in any case, so I knew that there was already a file.
SIMONNE: And so what did the Police say to you?
TINA: The Police said to me that I needed a Protection Order. They said in order to get a Protection Order, I would need to go to the Family Court.
The thought of having to face him in court was terrifying.
And I knew that he had said to me previously, "If you even try and get a Protection Order, I'll just tell the court that you're crazy, and I'll have our child removed from you."
DARREN: They have to reach out for assistance. They do need to confide in somebody. Whether it's a family member, whether it's a neighbour.
They do need to speak to somebody about it, and the earlier the better.
They need to go to the Police. They need to at least advise the Police and lodge a harassment complaint.
They need to obtain as much evidence as they can. Just keep a record of any and all interactions with the offender.
NARRATOR: Tina did go to court and, after a huge struggle, finally managed to get a Protection Order.
TINA: It was difficult. It was really frightening and it took a long time.
But it meant I could get on with life.
As soon as the Protection Order was put in place, it did mean that someone else was watching. So he knew that he couldn't continue to do what he was doing.
SIMONNE: How are things now?
TINA: They're good. I'm okay. I'm good now. I've got a good life. I've got good friends. I've managed to get myself into a much better space.
NARRATOR: For Tina, the nightmare is over.
But for many more, the nightmare continues day in and day out.
Stalking and cyberstalking are currently not defined by the Crimes Act in New Zealand as an offence.
PG
Description
An estimated 15 percent of stalking cases worldwide result in homicide, but stalking and cyberstalking are currently not defined as an offence in the New Zealand Crimes Act.'Tina' (not her real name) was stalked by her ex-husband for more than 3 years. She shares her story in support of law change.
Details & Info
PG
Parental Guidance Recommended for Younger Viewers.