Series 2 Wiremu Witana
- Series 2 Episode 3
- 11 min
Abuse needs silence to thrive.
In this series, Simonne Butler, herself a survivor of a vicious attack by her ex partner, meets those brave enough to break their silence.
NARRATOR: Over half a million people are directly affected by family violence in New Zealand each year. For many, violence is passed from generation to generation.
Wiremu, with the love and support of his parents, has broken the cycle of abuse. He now uses his experiences to reach others.
Today he is talking to Tauawhi, a men's group in Gisborne where he lives. The first hurdle is recognising you have a problem. It was only after being released from jail, where he reached rock bottom, that a counsellor finally got through.
WIREMU: I remember walking in and the first words that came out of his mouth were, "Oh, so how are you?"
And I said, "Uh, I'm all good."
He said, "Well, fuck off, there is the door."
"Oh no, I've been sentenced to come here bro. I want some counselling."
And he said, "Well, I asked you how you are. You reckon you are all good. I can't help anyone that's all good."
When he hit me with that, I thought about it and I sat back down and I said, "Yeah, I just need some help."
So, I met my partner at around 17. She was 15.
[sighs]
So, she was someone that I loved and she had our first son. Being that young, I didn't know how to be a dad.
NARRATOR: And the one person who could have shown him, his own father, had not.
WIREMU'S FATHER: I wasn't exactly the role model that I should have been. What he was doing then was things that I was doing in my own marriage.
You know, if you're going to blame somebody, you need to look at me as well. I didn't realise at the time that I had a bit of an alcohol problem.
Seeing what I was doing, he probably thought that's normal and carried on in his relationship with his partner then.
SIMONNE: What are some examples of how you behaved?
WIREMU: Controlling. You know, just having the bank card, having control of money, having control of time. Manipulation. Intimidation.
NARRATOR: And before long, the abuse escalated.
WIREMU: As the years were going on, I was having more and more children. Still doing crime and hanging out with bros. You know, after a while, I started to beat my wife.
When I started hitting her, I also started hitting the kids.
NARRATOR: To begin with, the abuse was kept hidden.
WIREMU: If you looked at us, you'd think, "What a perfect couple." She looks really happy. No one could see it.
NARRATOR: The abuse was hidden, even from his parents. His dad had finally been facing up to his own demons.
WIREMU'S FATHER: My sister was running a drug and alcohol programme for Māori and she asked us if we'd be interested in coming along.
I heard people I'd never ever met but they were actually talking about me. And I was trying to figure out, how did they know?
It then told me that it's either going to be the grog or I'm going to lose my family.
NARRATOR: After a stint in rehab, Wiremu's dad turned his life around. He went to Australia with Mum. They got work and made a new start.
But this meant they weren't around when Wiremu's world began to unravel.
WIREMU: I had given him a hiding and I just remember losing it. Chasing him.
"Come here! Come here!"
And he just ran and he locked that door and I just annihilated that door.
My son was out that window and he was gone.
I just had a whole lot of fury in me and a lot of anger and I didn't know how to cope. I didn't even think I had a problem.
The neighbours rang up the Police and now the Police are getting involved.
When I started getting caught, I couldn't hide it anymore. I was exposed constantly. Breaking protection orders, breaching bail, breaking trespass orders.
The sentences that I was getting were short to start with, but the time started getting longer and longer.
I felt powerless.
You know, when I was in there, I remember getting the phone call:
"We just uplifted all seven of your children."
And I was in prison and I couldn't do anything.
I was powerless and I just howled.
I just bawled my eyes out and hid in the cell where no one could see what was really going on for me.
And I just howled, howled.
And I thought, "What have I done?"
I just lost everything. Lost a partner. I'd lost seven children. And I was just broken.
And I'd decided, nah, I'd had enough. I'm out. I want to commit suicide and I'm out of here.
I had decided I was going to act on getting rid of the pain and the hurt of losing everything.
And I tried to commit suicide in the Police cells and was found.
It was actually a prison officer and she was saying:
"No, no, no, don't do this."
And telling me, "Why? Why?"
She reminded me of my mum. She said, "You have so many children. You can't do that to them."
And I vowed to her I'd never do that ever again.
WIREMU'S FATHER: Then we got a call one day from our son.
On the phone he was crying a bit and he said, "Dad, I've lost the children."
He must have hit rock bottom then, so we just said:
"Son, we're coming home mate. We just gotta get things together. Hang in there. We're going to come home, because they're our mokos as well."
WIREMU: To hear my dad say that, "It's something we have to do, son. For our mokos and for you. We're coming home."
It was something that I had never heard through my whole life.
So to hear that from my dad was a lot of healing within myself.
To know my dad loves and cares about me.
[Wiremu] "What you cooking?"
[Mum] "Rice, we're having rice today, cos Steven's hungry."
[Mum] "I was gonna ask you, how many clients you got?"
[Wiremu] "Three families we're working with at the moment. They're doing real good."
NARRATOR: Wiremu is now using his experiences to help others, and works with a pioneering men's group in Gisborne called Tauawhi.
Today they are celebrating 10 years of work in the community.
As their CEO, Tim explains.
TIM: Tauawhi really was created to be an open door for men, with no conditions. No criteria necessary.
You could just walk in the door and have a kōrero with other men and feel safe in doing that.
Also to clear the way, actually clear some of those barriers that we traditionally have as men. Like why we don't ask for help.
To get away from that "harden up" mentality and actually say it's okay to talk to others. It's okay to show vulnerability and show your emotions.
WIREMU: I just want to acknowledge two people in my life that have been there since I was born. My mum and dad.
So, to have them in the house today...
[applause]
TIM: We get gifted a korowai every year. We gift that to somebody who really epitomises the values of Tauawhi and for us this year we wanted to give that to Wiremu.
To acknowledge his journey of change really, and I suppose in a way, that this is the new korowai he can wear as a safe man.
[Tauawhi perform haka]
WIREMU: Part of my healing was being able to be upfront and be honest. Especially with myself and with my family.
It was about being honest, being pono and tika within yourself, because there was a time in my life when I got things wrong.
And I wasn't right, and I know that and I can admit it, but it doesn't define who I am.
What counts is now. Where I am now in my journey.
And if it's possible for me, it's possible for anyone.
Putting it on me was a special moment.
To have my mother present me with the korowai and to have my dad behind me, having my back, and my mum in front of me, lifting my chin up.
To say, "I'm proud of you son. Lift your head up. You should be proud."
PG
Description
More than half a million New Zealanders are directly affected by family violence every year.For many, violence is handed from generation to generation.
Wiremu, with the love and support of his parents, has broken this cycle of abuse.
Details & Info
PG
Parental Guidance Recommended for Younger Viewers.