A father’s journey out of an abusive relationship

Content warning: this blog post discusses intimate partner violence, from the perspective of the person who experienced it. Please look after yourself as you read through this piece, and remember, the helpline is available to provide support 24/7. Call or webchat any time. 

I was in my mid-forties when I decided to leave an abusive relationship. I am a father of three children, so making the move to break the family up is not an easy decision.

I endured both physical and mental abuse during my relationship. Although the mental abuse does not leave noticeable scars, the emotional abuse and manipulation is without a doubt the hardest part that I endured. On one occasion, I was left with two black eyes, a swollen cheek and a bleeding nose.

I felt absolutely powerless being a man. She would convince me that men are always the perpetrator in this situation, and I would never win. She also worked for New Zealand Police in the family violence department, and she knew how to play any situation to her advantage. She was by all accounts someone that you did not want to fight. She made me believe that I would never see my children again and used this control against me.

This happened over a long period of time, we were together 13 years. I just adapted and accepted it as normal behaviour in our relationship, which is utterly bizarre looking back.

When my children started to get older, they became weaponised by their mother, that’s when I knew it needed to stop. If I could go back and change anything, I would have sat in front of a counsellor/ therapist earlier and got their perspective. I realised that I had normalised the behaviour and by not sharing it, I never had a perspective from a third party. Prior to this I had never told anyone; I did feel ashamed being male that was being abused.

I remember when I first opened up to a counsellor. It wasn’t easy, I was overwhelmed by what they had to say. It was the first time I stood back and actually looked at what was happening. One counsellor wasn’t good enough for me, I needed more clarity, so I visited a centre that specialised in supporting men. I had sessions with an organisation that supported abused victims.

It was at this stage that I realised I needed to put a stop to it. I got myself a lawyer and after an initial visit, we arranged to meet to write an affidavit (a court document) that could be submitted to the courts. I remember talking for the whole day, the history of abuse was so vast. I only provided facts that could be backed up with evidence.

I remember finishing the application and the lawyer said, “I need to ask one final question - were there ever any knives, guns are other weapons ever used?”
I replied casually, “yes, she had a knife under the bed covers with her once”. The lawyer just looked at me shocked and said, “Why did you not mention that, this is not normal, you do realise that?” I remember sitting there cold and lost, thinking what have I become? Who am I? How was I so blind-sided to this! To me, this wasn’t even worth mentioning.

Everything was presented to a judge, along with my ex-partners response. I had plenty of evidence which was vital.  I was awarded full custody of the children. The children and I were granted a temporary protection order against her. I also had an occupation order to remain in the family home and a furniture order, so the children’s home remained the same.

It does not end there unfortunately, it never does. When someone wants to keep inflicting pain, it’s hard when you have children, they can always find a way and it still happens today. 
We are now at 50/50 care of the children, I never wanted to stop the children from seeing their mother. With the system watching her, it’s definitely a better place to be. We have a detailed parenting order, which is essential. By law it needs to be abided to, without it my ex would take full control.

If anyone is in a similar position to this – please don’t try and hold in there hoping things will improve. Yes, leaving is a hard road ahead, I won’t deny that, but you have to climb that mountain for a better future for you and the children. Gravity wants to pull you down, but you must fight it, even with your last bit of strength. I focused on exercise and the gym. Joined groups with the children and kept myself busy.

Once you get over the hard stage, each day gets better until you come out stronger than you have ever been. Four and a half years later, life is better than ever. I have a new partner that is utterly amazing. We love and respect each other like a relationship should be. I learnt the hard way, but I will never be in that position again. 

If any of this story has resonated with you, either for your own experience or that of someone you know, please reach out. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be respected and you deserve to have autonomy and control of your own life. The team on the Are You OK helpline can support you, from trying to unpick what you’re experiencing, right through to helping you to navigate support systems. Call or webchat anytime.