What can support look like?

26 / 6 / 25
23 min

K'Lee (VO) 00:01
We gathered people who have supported their loved ones through domestic violence and those who have first hand experience. This is their kōrero on the best ways to offer support.

Pai 00:11
Oh, got a cup of tea!?

Ruzbeh 00:13
We are from the reels generation. We want to know the whole thing in 30 seconds. Listening is one of the most important things.

Coco
We want to go in there –

K’Lee + Coco
All guns blazing!

Pai 00:22
are you okay? Are you all good?

Coco 00:25
I just made sure they knew that they were loved.

Symmy 00:29
What’s up brother?

Pai
Kia ora

K'Lee 00:45
Oh, ko wai au. Introduce yourself and tell me why you're here.

Coco 00:48
Ko Courtney ahau. I'm here because this is a very important kaupapa. I’ve been in situations in my life where I've not known how I can support people that are really close to me. I didn't really know where to go or what to do, so I think this is important to support and get behind and just let people know that they're not alone.

K'Lee 01:11
I've actually experienced domestic violence. You never think it could happen to you, and the stigma of being ashamed, being whakamā, that kind of stuff. The things that I've gone through, I've been able to help others navigate their way through their situations.

Nick 01:27
Domestic violence is something really close to my heart. Being a previous survivor of some relationships, rather than hiding such a taboo topic, it's so much better to talk about it, and by talking about it and sharing stories, hopefully people identify and find some peace and solace in their own lives.

Ruzbeh 01:44
The reason I'm here is this one such topic that people usually don't talk about, and the community that I come from, it is sad that no one has the courage to come out and actually talk about it.

Symmy 01:56
OK, Introduce yourself. [Pai and Symmy laugh]

Pai 01:59
OK, ko Pairama tōku ingoa. My name is Pairama. I'm here because I've experienced a few things in my life in relation to domestic violence, and hopefully one thing I say today will resonate with someone.

Symmy 02:11
My name is Symone Tafuna’i, but people call me Symmy. I'm here today because I'm still going through that journey, but still being heavily supported. So hopefully that's able to resonate with someone who may still be in it or coming out of it.

Pai 02:24
Oh, ka aroha.

Coco 02:31
It was the pulling back from our friend group, and there were- there was less contact. And then when I would see, you know my friend, the sadness in their eyes. You know you just you feel that mamae for them, and it’s almost a person that you've known for your life and that you love. They're just a shell of themselves, and it hurts your heart so much, and you just want to help them. But it was, yeah, I guess they weren't the person that I knew, in a sense, and you could see the way it changed them and them pulling back and you just not knowing what to do, I guess.

K'Lee 03:16
It was a friend of mine who just said, “hey, look, I haven't seen you in a while. Why don't you and the kids just come over? So…you're coming right? And it was one of those take no for an answer. And when I had said to her that “I don't know if I can get away, I don't know if I can come just with the kids”, she was like, “that's okay”. And I was thinking, I really can't, because I can't get away. And she’s like, that's okay. You can just come, bring the kids.

Coco 03:49
And it was those little words that helped you, in that conversation?

K'Lee 03:52
Yeah, it was just, it's okay, just come. But had she had not offered me a chance, I don't think that I would have ever got the chance to actually walk away. Like an angel in disguise, it was just that one opportunity.

Nick 04:06
Well, the things that I noticed that weren't quite right were basically my friends who were in those situations, their general disposition. They've gone from being sort of really happy, like nothing phases them, kind of people, to quite emotionally fragile. It was like, hey, there's just something not right.

Ruzbeh 04:21
Started saying certain things about their partner, which were like, red flag for me. I was like, ah, this doesn't sound normal. Did bring it up, and I say that, do you know that there is support available for you, like, you know you could definitely talk about this.

Nick 04:36
I think that when people do say something, it's so appreciated. That ultimately, being a true friend is somebody who has real conversations with their friends.

Ruzbeh
Yeah.

Pai 04:45
What were the signs your supporters picked up on before raising the conversation?

Symmy 04:49
They noticed that I was really quiet, which is like a huge shock. So I like to do this [hand motion indicating talking]. When I was like this [hand motion indicating silence], they were like, something's up. Like, I really value my family, so the fact that they just weren't seeing me on the daily basis was very concerning for them. It was just very worrying because, like, we just had, like, family dinner all the time. Like, it's just like a very traditional Pasifika household, like, have your kai together, watch TV together. When I wasn't part of their daily routine, yeah, they just started picking up small little things like that, noticing that ah- you know, there's something wrong, but we don't necessarily know what that wrong entails. The more isolated- isolated I became when I did interact with them, I was very erratic. I was very angry, I was very emotional, like very frighteningly different.

Pai 05:34
I'm a body language kind of person. And so, I guess this is one for anyone that like is hearing this. If you're close with your people and you understand their behaviors, you understand their body language, you understand how they respond to certain situations, if there's a shift in behavior, you can tell something's up.

Coco 05:57
I just made sure they knew that they were loved and they there's nothing to be whakamā, to be ashamed about, and just showing up for them and just- just letting them know, no matter what, I'm here I love you, and I never want the worst thing to happen to you.

K’Lee
Yeah

Coco
I will always be there for you, you can rely on me.

K'Lee 06:18
You just need someone to go, hey, like you did, like, I'm here. Yeah, no, judgment. Don't be ashamed. Don't be whakamā.

Coco 06:27
Because you want to go in there, you know-

K’Lee & Coco
All guns blazing!

Coco
Thinking you can save the world or whatever it is. But then there's a part of you that knows that's probably not going to put them in the best situation. How can I help you if I can't just come in and save you? And I think the biggest thing is, what you said, too, it's no judgment, yeah, and you build that trust with them. And for me, it was showing up for them every day, whether it was, I'm going to get a coffee, I'll bring you one, and it's just, you know, or let's go for a walk, and it's, you don't even have to have any conversations about that, but it's just being that friend or being that support for them, even if it's walking in silence. You know, they know that you're there by their side. And eventually you work up that trust, and they feel that aroha, that then they know, okay, there is no judgment here.

K'Lee 07:23
It's the hardest thing, I think, to just listen, yeah, not pass judgment. “You should just leave” [laughs].

Coco 07:31
There obviously are so many barriers that prevent people from leaving these situations. So that's why, when I was like, I want to go in there, I want to save them, but it's like you can't do that, and they obviously can't quite do that for themselves yet.

K'Lee 07:47
I think in my case, in particular, the barriers that came up for me were, I was in a country all by myself. I didn't have any friends or whānau, having kids was another barrier. Do I walk away? Do I leave? Being a failure, failing a relationship, failing my children. And then financially. Where was I gonna go? But then looking at my son and looking at him and [cries] going, I don't ever want you to think that this is how a man is supposed to treat a woman, and this is not how a man loves. And then looking at my daughter going, I don't even want her to feel like that this is what love is. I'm so glad that I made that decision to take that phone call from my friend. I'm so glad that me and my kids got to have a better life.

Nick 08:54
So I started the conversation just by listening, just being a friend, and them talking and just listening to what they have to say. And then slowly, like planting the seed and being like, hey, maybe this isn't appropriate behaviour. Saying, “hey, is- is everything okay with your relationship?” Asking, is everything okay? I think, is a real simple but very powerful question. For me, it was more fear of speaking out, fear that I would offend or upset my friend.

Ruzbeh 09:20
There were a lot of cultural sensitivities around speaking up, because the background that I come from and the person that came from the similar or even more conservative background, I started off with, how do you feel about it? One of the things was financial dependence. They didn't have access to any money. My first thought was, but you are working and you're earning, so it's your money, right? Don't you feel like spending on what you want to spend it on? That was my initial starter. Just some more probing questions. I just want to emphasise it's very important for us to be observant, vigilant, aware of people that you are around and gather a little bit courage to have that conversation, or to take an effort.

Nick 10:04
It's also about you on the inside as well, and about, can I sit here and watch my friend suffer in a situation? I think often in domestic violence, we think of a man against a woman, right? And so to be a man who's- who's viewed typically as the perpetrator of the violence, it's an interesting place to be to have these conversations, but I'm very lucky because I'm in a different community, in the rainbow community, so whereas out of sort of men, men relationships, lady, lady relationships, so that's kind of all thrown out of the windows.

Ruzbeh 10:37
And I've noticed this in my friends, like male friends, they don't want to talk. They just want to have, like, joke around, have fun. They want to talk on light topics. As soon as you start talking about something serious, they are like, ah, no.
Nick 10:49
They don't want to deal with their problems, right.

Ruzbeh 10:53
Don't talk to me about that. You know, there's that thing about men don't cry, and all of those things. You know, there's this saying in Hindi [speaks Hindi], that means men don't feel pain. Yeah, I think everyone feels pain, and we should just acknowledge it-

Nick
100%

Ruzbeh
And talk about it more. I think crying should be considered a sign of strength.

Nick
100% agree.

Symmy 11:17
So I had just told my best friend, she contacted my sister straight away. I was actually really angry, and I didn't understand why at the time I was angry. Even though this doesn't make sense, I felt like I was betrayed, but she did it because my safety was on the line. I was in such a bad head space because I was I was in fear.

Pai
Yeah

Symmy
Looking back now, I'm just like, that's what a true best friend does-

Pai
That’s the best thing she could’ve done.

Symmy
That was like, the best thing she ever did for me. When I talk to her now, she was like, bro, I was willing to put our friendship on the line for your safety. And just like hearing that, I'm just like, oh, man.
Me and my sister very close. She's- she said that…she was like, “bro, I was wanting to go to war for you”. Oh, bro [cries]. “I was gonna fight for you, because I knew you didn't want to fight for yourself”.

Pai 12:04
Oh, that makes me emotional, because I've got a best friend that I would do that for. Being safe is the most important part. Sharing your story, that's brave. It could take weeks for me to simply be able to comfortably ask them, are you okay? And it all just circles back to just creating safe spaces and building relationships with that person. Feeling shame, feeling vulnerable, feeling scared, those things are a whole lot better when your relationship with the person you're experiencing that with is [thumbs up]

Symmy
Pai.

Pai
A whole lot better.

Symmy 12:33
And the keyword is safe.

Coco 12:39
Listening is huge, I learnt that. I think that's the biggest- one of the biggest parts of it. It’s not trying to enforce your thoughts or your ideas or what you think should happen. Sometimes it's even listening in silence, because I think that's a huge thing.

K'Lee 13:00
Listening is super important. It's also listening intently to what they're not saying.

Coco 13:08
Exactly, and listening to almost the signs, yeah, like, how you said, like, well, I can't come or I can't…

K’Lee
Yeah.

Ruzbeh 13:14
Yeah, listening is one of the most important things. And that's something that, as a society, community, we all are struggling with I believe. Just listen through and not interrupt. You don't have to prove it to me. No, I trust what you say, and I'm there to listen to you. You know.

Nick 13:33
I 100% agree with that. I think listening is such an art form that by listening to someone, you're acknowledging them, I think. Listening, I think is, is probably one of the most important things we can do as a human.

Pai 13:46
Listening is the most important part. Sometimes you just need to be a sounding board. Don't have to have the answers. I don't need to have the answers to be able to help someone. You don't need to have the answers to be able to ask someone, are you okay? You don't even need to have all the information. My thing when people are like, going through shit, and then someone goes, what happened? No, are you okay? Are you all good? Umm, how are you feeling? There are 101 ways to ask, “are you ok?”. You can ask “how are you”. You can ask, “what you up to?” You can check on people. You can just be there for them. Show a sense of aroha. You can make sure they're aware that you're still present in their life.

Coco 14:34
Just have a dinner with the friend group, just so that they knew that we were all there. You can just be surrounded by the people that care about you and hopefully feel that aroha. You hold their hand, let them know I love you so much, and to lose you, I couldn't handle that.

K'Lee 14:55
Those are such powerful words, though. Yeah, to tell someone that you love them and that you want them there.

Coco 15:02
Yeah, and letting them know who was there for them, which was, you know, me, our friend groups, my family and I said like they don't- half of them don't even know, anyway. But if you turned up to any of our houses, you know the door is always open. Being a supporter, to me, is letting the person that you love know that they are loved, that they're seen, that they're important, yeah. And you will turn up for them, and you will be there, no matter what. It takes strength on both sides, whether you're a supporter or you're the person being supported, there's a lot of strength there, and I know just from my situation, it does take courage. Even if it is those little things, and it is okay to not know what to do, and it is okay to seek support yourself. But knowing that you love this person so much that you want to be there for them and you will help them.

K'Lee 16:17
Like you said the little things like, let's just go for a walk, just flicking a text message, even just throwing a meme. You know, being able to have a laugh.

Coco
Exactly.

K’Lee
Bring some other energy to their life. Those kind of things work. You might be their only conversation throughout their whole entire day. So those things are really important.
That no judgment was a huge thing. When someone's going through it, they don't need “you should have done this, you should have done this”. Being a supporter means they know that you are their safe space.

Coco 17:00
Yeah, no matter what, no judgment. I love you. I got you.

K'Lee 17:04
Yeah, feed into their wairua, lift their mana. But that's the whole reason why we're on this journey.

Coco 17:11
Share my experience and just let them know what worked for me. The most important thing is knowing that you probably- you can't go in and change the world. Yeah. So what can you do? And knowing and showing that love for that person that you care about I think, is so important.

K'Lee 17:32
Life can get so busy, and we can get caught up in our own worlds, but taking those moments to actually put down the phone and have a face to face conversation, or go for a walk with your friend. Really don't actually know what's going on in their lives until you actually make an effort. And I think half the time we go, oh, we don't have enough time. If you were sitting at their funeral, you'd be thinking something different. Yes, it's courageous, but it's also a beautiful thing to love on your friends. Seems like an easy question, like, “are you ok?” But sometimes it's one of the hardest things to ask-

Coco
Exactly.

K’Lee
And it's even more harder to answer. Give them all the love and support.

Coco 18:18
There’s nothing better when you can do that.

Nick 18:26
Domestic violence, as a victim of it, you can feel so alone because you feel embarrassed. You try and hide it because you don't want other people to see how small you are. Just becomes so normal that you're wrong all the time. Ways that I show my support by just checking in. The importance of being a friend for somebody that's going through a bad situation like this, make them feel like they have somebody to walk through life with, at least for that part of their journey. I can say what doesn't work, and that is just going straight away, like “you're in a violent relationship. This person's not good for you. They're doing that. They're doing that” because it's very confronting. What does work, I think, is if you're very sensitive in your approach and gentle with the way that you converse with them.

Ruzbeh 19:06
So I got really involved in the situation. That was not good, because suddenly person got put off, and they were like, oh, you're interfering too much. Everyone has their own pace to go at, and your pace might not match their pace. My pace was a bit too much. I was like, no, you can't go through this. That's what I learned. That everyone's got their own pace.

Nick 19:27
If you're dealing with a problem that is bigger than you and what you're comfortable with, suggesting other help is really cool, whether that is therapy or, quicker to access, there's a variety in New Zealand of like, 0800 numbers to call for people that need over the phone counselling or direct help.

Symmy 19:44
Family counseling in general, in like, Pasifika communities, is very, very not a thing.

Pai
Yeah.

Symmy
So I was like seeing my- my dad, very traditional Samoan man, and my mom as well. We're gonna make it happen regardless. They went individual family counselling, and then they went group family counselling. Just seeing that they were doing those, you know, really important things actually did give me peace of mind and kind of yeah, and kind of made me realise, like, oh, this is a very serious situation. My mum specifically is such a fixer. So for her because she couldn't fix this, she's like, okay, if I can't fix my daughter, then I need to fix an environment where she's able to feel safe enough.

Pai 20:25
In Te Ao Māori, we say “ko au te awa, ko te awa ko ahau”, like “I am the river, the river is me”. And when the river is sick, I feel this, like imbalance in me. And it's probably a similar situation with what they went through. It's like, that's your daughter, that's your girl, that's your sister. Like they feel mamae on behalf of you, the best way I could show support was for…[emotional]

Symmy
It’s alright, bro.

Pai 20:51
Like you have those people in your life that you know- that you want to just take all their pain from them, like you just want to, I want to just take this from you. I wish it was me bearing this load. What can I do to help them feel a sense of control? How can I support them into spaces that make them feel like they have control over something in their life? Like, what do they like to do, man, like, it's minor little things that as a whole, can build your relationship with that person, build your trust in that person.
Yeah, I guess my number one piece of advice, like, if someone was to come to me and said that they were worried about someone, is just to get to know them. Like I said, you can't solve their problems. It's not doable. But getting to know them, creating an environment where they feel safe and comfortable with you. It's not about that direct approach. Don't go straight for the bullseye. Don't bear their load. Don't make it about you. Go see them. If they respond, great, if they don', cool, try again tomorrow.

Coco 21:53
Probably could have done a better job of it, because I think your first thought is always them. So you kind of don't really worry about yourself. And I wouldn't say I felt alone, I almost felt helpless, but then I learned, like, my job wasn't to be the problem solver, it was just to be there for them no matter what.

K'Lee 22:18
That's so perfect.

Nick 22:21
I'm a big fan of talking and talking it out, whether that is with a partner, a friend, a therapist, rather than keeping those things to yourself, where you feel alone by just sharing it, already you just feel the weight come off you a little bit.

Pai 22:34
I'm putting myself in the shoes of your sister, that would make me feel overwhelming, bro. It’s the people you care about, the people you’re protective over. Oh god, it's like so hard to regulate those emotions and how you feel about that. I have this friend that was going through this and it was just like, I'm gonna listen to you and hear you out. And any feeling that you need to feel, feel it with zero judgment. There are 101 ways to ask, are you okay? There are 101 ways to show that you care if someone is okay.

Description

We gathered people who have supported their loved ones through domestic violence, and those who have first hand experience. This is their kōrero on the best ways to offer support.

Supporting someone else

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