Series 2 Debbs Murray
- Series 2 Episode 5
- 11 min
Abuse needs silence to thrive.
In this series, Simonne Butler, herself a survivor of a vicious attack by her ex partner, meets those brave enough to break their silence.
[background music plays]
DEB: Uh we've got strangulation often and there's multiple strangulations that have occurred. So it's not just a one-off within their home.
NARRATOR: On average, 9 women are killed by their partner or ex partner, every year.
Deb shares her story to illustrate coercive control. A pattern of behaviour designed to exploit, dominate and imprison these women.
DEB: I think lived experience is an incredibly important thing to take into the role. I think when you can sit in front of somebody and you know what those tears feel like when they roll down their cheeks, you connect with someone on a level that no one else can.
NARRATOR: Debs has definitely walked this path, fearing for her own life towards the end of a 7 year abusive relationship.
DEB: I sat up all night, waiting for him. I was waiting for him to come and kill me. And there was a knock on the door in the early hours of the morning, and I knew it was him, and I got up and I walked to the door truly believing that I was going to die.
NARRATOR: Of course it didn't start out that way.
DEB: I was 21 years old. I met him through a friend. The draw to him was just unbelievably strong and I still to this day can't explain why.
The relationship developed very quickly. We moved in together, I took two wee kiddies in, within 3 weeks I was pregnant. Because I was pregnant he felt he owned me. He knew that I was pregnant and I wasn't going to leave.
It didn't take very long at all for the controlling dynamics to occur within the relationship.
SIMONNE: What forms did that control take?
DEB: Early on, it was just about gaining small amounts of control. You know, like when I could take the car out, when I couldn't. I wasn't allowed to wear singlets, I wasn't allowed to wear shorts because I was attracting other men. If we were out in the car, I wasn't allowed to make eye contact with anybody, because if I made eye contact I was obviously trying to get them to sleep with me.
SIMONNE: What impact did this have on you?
DEB: I knew it wasn't right. I knew I was losing a sense of myself but I stayed in there. It was just a matter of riding it out, it would get better. At least he wasn't hitting me. It was very much around learning to live with, and normalising, the behaviours that actually start to take your control and your identity away from you.
NARRATOR: Over time, this relentless coercive control began to construct an invisible wall that surrounded Debbs. She was trapped, unable to escape. This pattern of establishing control is described in the graphic called The Power and Control Wheel. Simonne talks about this with refuge manager Sanjida.
SANJIDA: So you know, when you put a label on it, and then they are able to reflect on it, they can go, "Oh my gosh, that was happening."
SIMONNE: Every day. Yeah.
SANJIDA: Every day.
SIMONNE: When I was in an abusive relationship, I'd never seen anything like this. And I think it's really important for women to understand that there are so many different types of abuse, and that what they may be experiencing is actually abuse. You know, the behaviours that are going on within their relationship are about power and control.
NARRATOR: All too often, the next step is physical violence.
DEB: I was 7½ months pregnant when I was first physically assaulted. He got really jealous one night and he just straddled me, punched me in the stomach and told me that I wasn't worthy of sleeping in his bed. So I slept on the washing pile for the night.
SIMONNE: How worried were you about what your children were being exposed to?
[Crying]
DEB: I'm so sorry. I didn't think this was going to happen.
SIMONNE: Don't be sorry.
DEB: This is the opportunity for me to do this and I want to do it. The physical abuse did become a regular occurrence. It was something that meant I was always, always, always walking on eggshells. It was only a matter of doing something that he perceived to be wrong that would send him off into a rage.
In some ways I didn't know I was losing myself, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. I couldn't control him taking parts of me every day until there was the point where one day I looked in the mirror and there was nothing left that I knew of myself anymore.
I can remember screaming and wishing, wishing, wishing I could scream loud enough so that someone would actually hear me and call the police, but no one ever did.
Morning Sarah, my name is Steve, I'm one of the Advocate managers, and I can see that you've got some quite visible injuries on your face. You mentioned that your children saw you in a state of being unconscious after you had been strangled.
DEB: They definitely saw and heard things, which I'm really ashamed about.
STEVE: Please don't be. You may not want to be involved at this stage, but we would like to walk alongside you too. Maybe get you to a space where you would feel comfortable talking to police.
NARRATOR: A recent study found 76% of family violence incidents are not reported to the police. It is a huge hidden problem, and it's not just hidden from authorities, but also from family and friends. Debs was close to her dad, and he had no idea of how bad things had got.
DAD: It was a dysfunctional relationship, but I certainly had no idea whatsoever that it was a violent relationship.
DEB: I tried to hide how bad things were from my dad and everybody. You could possibly imagine if I had head injuries, Dad wouldn't see me for a couple of weeks.
DAD: She was doing it through embarrassment and she was also doing it because she knew that behind all of that, if everything was exposed, then all hell would have broken loose.
DEB: The only thing that I actually held on to was my identity as a mum. That never changed, no matter how hard it was and how broken I was. My children were my grounding mechanism. They kept me going.
When I finally did leave, I went up to Dad's. Actually, Dad took me up to Dad's is more appropriate. He just gave me somewhere safe to be.
I couldn't have done it without you because not only were you there when things were really bad and the police needed to get involved, but you then didn't let me leave. You took me to your home and you said, "I'm going to look after the kids. We'll do everything we need to do. You breathe, cry, do whatever you need to do. You're not going back."
DAD: A lot of people could have gone down a completely different road, so you've certainly taken a positive path.
DEB: Yep, I think I have. I think we still need to honour the children by recognising that they're still on a journey, and I think they always will be on a journey.
I thought I was protecting my children from seeing acts of violence. I thought I was protecting my children from seeing and hearing things I didn't want them to see. What I didn't realise is that they were so aware of everything that was going on, and they could read him as well as I could. They walked on eggshells when I walked on eggshells.
If I've got one message to put out there, it is this: please look at this through the eyes of your children. Because they're the ones that truly see what's happening, and the impact is just unbelievable and lifelong.
SIMONNE: How did you piece your life back together after this?
DEB: I put my life together one day at a time. I set very small goals to achieve, but I set my goals and I knew that I was going to take every single lesson that I had picked up in my relationship and I was going to turn it into something good when I came out of that relationship.
I realised I had the gift of a blank canvas that I was able to rebuild and recreate myself into whoever I wanted to be. I made the decision that I was going to be a strong, independent woman that made a difference in the world of family violence.
I've been doing that for about 18 years now.
SIMONNE: How do you get on with your family?
DEB: Well, I have family and friends now. I didn't for a very long time because I wasn't able to. Part of finding my identity was being secure enough to open up and allow people in, and the rewards are enormous. My personal life is amazing. I'm in a place that I never thought truly existed. I'm happy. I'm healthy. I'm in love and I wouldn't ever want to change a thing.
I want people that see my journey to understand that there is a happy ending, that there is a different way of living and a different way of being. If you are trapped in the cycle of violence now, this may feel a million miles away, but it's a reality.
Take all the strength and courage and mana that you have in you and use every day to survive. Reach out and hold the hand of someone that's prepared to walk you through it. You will never get your way out of this alone and you will have freedom.
At the end of the day, you get to live your life and be your true self.
PG
Description
On average, nine women are killed by their partner or ex-partner in New Zealand every year.Almost a victim herself, Debbs shares her story to help illustrate 'coercive control' - a pattern of behaviour designed to exploit, dominate, and imprison women within a relationship.
Up Next
Series 2
Episode 6
Pet Abuse
With many refuges unable to accommodate animals, a surprising 53 percent of abuse victims stay in violent relationships longer out of fear their animals will be harmed.
Pets are a much-loved part of the family but are all too often caught up in the cycle of violence
Pets are a much-loved part of the family but are all too often caught up in the cycle of violence
Details & Info
PG
Parental Guidance Recommended for Younger Viewers.