The Insider’s Guide: family violence through the eyes of a child
9 / 5 / 25
41 min
And if at any time you want support, you can go to areyouok.org.nz or call the 24/7 Are You OK Helpline on 0800 456 450. Those details and other contacts are also in the show notes for this episode.
Experiencing family violence or partner violence can leave us feeling isolated and alone. It can mess with our minds and even make us feel crazy. We often blame ourselves for what's happening, and it can make us feel like there's nowhere to turn. Throughout this series, you'll hear firsthand stories of people who have experienced family violence. And the reason these courageous people are sharing these stories is because they want people who are experiencing family violence to know that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, that it's not their fault, and that helpful support is available.
In this episode, I talk with Serena. Serena is of Samoan, Māori and European descent and was brought up in Te Whanganui-a-Tara/Wellington, and the two of us got straight into the important topic of the drinks we wake ourselves up with.
Serena: As you get older, you change your beverage in the morning from water to orange juice to coffee.
Mick: Yeah, yeah. What age did the coffee start?\
Serena: I think far too early, to be honest!
Mick: 12 [laughs]
Serena: Yeah [laughs]. The moment I had to train nearly the whole day.
Mick (VO): Serena is talking here about training the whole day, because when she was a teenager, she threw herself into several sports and ended up representing both New Zealand and Samoa in rugby. These days, Serena's mahi is to enhance the well-being of communities across Aotearoa. When Serena was a kid, she experienced physical violence from her dad to her mum and brothers. She was generous enough to sit down and share her story with me.
Mick: So tell me about when you first started seeing violence in your home.
Serena: I think it was clear when I was around about four years old, where I can remember a lot of incidents happening at home. I can remember 111 being my first phone number.
Mick: That you remembered?
Serena: That I remembered. It's not something a four year old would normally remember, but I saw that as part of my role, knowing that number. Kind of scares me now as an adult that at four years old, that was my first number. It wasn't my mum's work number, or my Nana's home number, and, and so, yeah, so around about four years old was probably a time when I really understood what was going on.
Mick: And what was going on?
Serena: Obviously the verbal abuse, the yelling, the- the tears, you know, the kind of reactions from my mum, the look of fear, which, you know, at that age, you're kind of wondering, why is she looking at my dad that way? And I knew my mum's expressions were very different from my father's expressions, and I could tell by his tone that he was not happy with her, in particular.
But you know, you’re four, and you don't really know what she did wrong, but, you know, she's done something wrong. And so, it wasn't just the look, it was the stepping backwards, it was the looking around and trying to find some way to exit. It was the getting her body ready to protect herself from whatever was coming.
And normally it was, you know, pretty sharp and understanding the sounds of someone being hit. And then knowing what my role was, which was ring 111. So…
Mick: And were you in another room? Is that what you mean by the sounds?
Serena: Not always. And maybe this is why I knew things happened earlier than the four years old. Because we had a natural instinct to be close enough to our mum at those times, so that we could use more of our eyes than our ears to know what was next. I had a brother two years younger than me, so he was pretty little, and part of my role also was to know where he was, to be able to make sure he wasn't in harm's way.
And so, you know, I think back then, I think that's a lot for a four year old to think about. But, it just weirdly felt normal to be in that mindset at those times. I knew what was a good day, and I knew what wasn't a good day. And a good day was there was no argument that night. Everyone just went to sleep. And then a bad day was, yup, we gotta ring 111. So yeah.
Mick: And what form did the violence take?
Serena: A lot of verbal. And then of course some physical violence. You know, my mum endured a lot during that time from a physical perspective. She…I don't know if I've ever seen men get hit that way sometimes. You know, the, the broken nose, the black eye.
But obviously my mum was a working mum too, so she had to make sure she could still go to work. And so, her face was probably the one area she chose to protect a lot of the time. And which made the rest of her body exposed. You know, I can never remember my mum complaining about being in pain, which seems weird to me. That just shows the strength of- of her at that time and the importance of making it look better than it was.
Mick: Protecting you from it, maybe.
Serena: Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think, um, yeah, my mum was is a very proud woman, raised by a very proud woman. And I'm a very proud woman. And, in those situations, vulnerability is really hard sometimes to accept. And she obviously wanted to make it look like she was okay, for our benefit. And I don't know if sometimes that was a good thing or not, you know, because maybe we underestimated what she was really going through. Yeah.
Mick: And as a kid, how did it feel for you to be witnessing that stuff?
Serena: You know, the challenge for me was not knowing if it was normal or not. I think, I think it was only when I went to school that I realised that actually what was happening in my household wasn't normal. Even seeing parents come to school and the way they would interact with their kids. And I was thinking, what? That doesn't happen for me.
And so, it wasn't until I got older that I realised, oh, this is not as normal as I was thinking at the time, but I knew no different. And I loved my parents. I love my parents. I still do, to this day. And so, it's sometimes hard to think about in that - how could I think it was normal? Because at the time, that's- that's all I knew.
Mick: Mm. Was it scary as a kid?
Serena: I was never scared of my dad. My dad never hit me, but I was more scared for my mum. I was scared for my brother. I was scared for my dad at times, because, you know, obviously he was out of control sometimes and he didn't know how to control what was happening. And, you know, it wasn't until later I understood some of my dad's own upbringing and how he didn't- wasn't equipped with the right tools as a child to be able to communicate in a way that people would expect him to be communicating to his loved ones.
Mick: So as your childhood progressed, how did things change? Did the violence increase, decrease, stay the same?
Serena: You know, there were moments there where my dad left for a while, and it would be really peaceful. And then he would come back. But my dad made a conscious effort to stop drinking, and I think alcohol was a big contributor to some of the moments where he became more intense in those situations. And so, he stopped drinking, and he's been sober for many, many years now.
And then as I got older, I got more confrontational with my father and I suppose spoke up more in terms of my disappointment and dislike for the behaviour that he was obviously acting out. So, I became, in some ways that protector that I was trying to be at as a four year old, so, age of 12, 13, 14, 15, my dad and I, we had a…some would call a dysfunctional relationship. I just, didn't appreciate him, I didn't want him around us, I didn't- and it's because I've become more aware, too, that what he had been doing to my mum was not okay.
And I was the oldest child of four children. My mum and dad had two more little ones and they were very little, and so, I took on the role of being the protector of not only my mum but my siblings, and-
Mick: And how did that play out when your dad was being violent towards your mum? How did that role of protector play out?
Serena: You know, I'd get in the middle, because I knew he wouldn't hit me. You know, I would place myself in situations where he would have to stop, look twice and go, nope, that's my daughter, you know? And I think, because I'd always known my dad would never hit me, my dad, you know, and I'd known I'd known that from a very young age.
But where I would try and verbalise things at a young age and say, “stop, please, dad, stop”, it would change to physically putting myself in situations that would really show him that I really wanted him to stop.
Mick: Did you ever blame yourself for the violence in any way? As a young kid?
Serena: I mean, I think as a child, because you're still really trying to comprehend what is going on, you don't have that understanding about why is he angry? I know he's not angry with me, but could I have made things better for him to not be angry at mum? Could I have helped mum? You know, you're trying to analyse a situation that is really kind of way beyond your years.
And then, you know, obviously when I got older and I started- I thought maybe if I just talked to my dad, if I was nicer to my dad, he wouldn't be so angry with life. He definitely wouldn't take it out on mum verbally or physically, you know? And I think you're always questioning. You walk through life questioning “what could I have done to make it better?”, but you don't even know why you're questioning, because you know that you- you weren't the cause of something, but you take responsibility for it because it's your family, it's you- it's your home, and you're a part of it. And I think, you know, I had roles to play in my family. And I always thought, why am I not doing my role right? I’m my dad's only daughter, he loves me to bits, I can tell. But why isn't he stopping, you know, can I do more? And yeah, I think that's the thing for children in those environments. You know, when my parents separated, as much as I thought it was healthier for them to not be together, I always ask, oh was it me? Was…did I make them? Because I stuck up for my mum too often and I made my dad feel like he wasn't loved anymore, I don’t-
Yeah, it's a really kind of adult mind in a little body. And I think that's the thing that you don't really understand about children in those situations is they grow up really fast. People might call it street smart, people might call it smart in other ways, but you are observing, you are hearing, you are acting things out that are well beyond your years because of the environment that you're in.
And I think…people say sometimes I'm way too serious. I don't intend to be. But unfortunately, that is just how I have been shaped. And, you know, things like trust don't come easy to me. And as much as I love my dad now, you know, if we can't trust your dad sometimes, what man can you trust? So even relationships with men can be challenging.
I love my brothers. They're good men. But you worry about them all the time. So, you know, you just- you're constantly thinking about others. And I think even today, I would rather do for others than I do for myself, just to make sure someone else is better off. And I, um, it just becomes part of your DNA, even if you don't want it.
I think there was a number of years where I resented being made to grow up really fast, but I wouldn't change it for the world now, you know, that's just who I am. Yeah.
Mick: I can tell in your voice that not only do you love your father now, but you- that you loved him then too, even while you were witnessing him do some really horrible things to your family members.
Serena: Yeah.
Mick: Tell me about those two forces pulling you in different directions, you know, your- your love for him and yet, your kind of disdain for what he's doing.
Serena: It's tough when you're young, because you don't know how to express things the way you do when you're more mature and you know, you've gone through more life experiences. And I think if you had been interviewing a four year old, I would be saying things completely different to you about what I thought I loved my father for, you know, or how I loved my father.
I think…I was a daddy's girl. And, you know, I see pictures of the past and me and him are always together, and, you know, he's taking good care of me. And so, I have those pictures in my head now as an adult. I didn't have those pictures in my head when I was younger, but I knew that I cared for my dad, you know, like, he was my dad. I knew he was my dad.
And I knew my dad was sad. I saw expressions in him that I didn't understand then, because I didn't know his story, all I knew was, you know, he drank a lot and he'd come home and he'd be angry. And some nights mum would get hiding, and some nights he'd fall asleep. And some nights he'd lie on the ground and cry. And so, I knew there's some kind of pain in my dad.
It wasn't until I got older that I realised that, you know, he was raised in a children's home, from the age of 18 months and then aged out at 15. And so, you know, when you-.
Mick: Age out, as in, he had to go out into the world.
Serena: Yup. Yeah. My dad was in care for most of his life. He didn't have role models to be able to tell him right from wrong sometimes, you know. I now love the man for who he's trying to become, or who he has become. I never condone what my dad did, but I appreciate him now. He's- he's tried really hard to change the future for not only me, but his grandchildren and everybody.
And, you know, even my mum would say they've better friends now than they were ever partners, and I think that's a testament, in some ways, to a man that scared the living daylights out of her, that she can call him a friend. And that just shows how much work he's tried to put in. And he's my only dad. So, yeah.
Mick: It's impressive that after, you know, witnessing him do that horrible stuff, that you have found your way to a place of having empathy for him and having some understanding around what shaped him and how he found himself in the position where he felt he had no other way of expressing his anger, or his big feeling. How have you managed to do that? How have you managed to find that understanding and acceptance?
Serena: I've had the privilege of being able to work in spaces like Women's Refuge and meet people who do this work on a day-to-day basis, not just with the wāhine and their children, but also with the tāne. I've listened to people talk about, you know, their journeys. I've paid attention to what my dad has shared with me.
I've weirdly had more patience as I get older with him, to be able to listen to his story. I watch the outcome of his actions with our family in terms of the way my nieces and nephews absolutely adore their koro. And I see the vulnerability in him now, especially as he gets older. You know, he's very emotional man. He speaks less now, and his actions are extremely different. His actions are not hurtful actions. They're helpful actions and I can only but appreciate the work he's trying to do to show us that he's really trying hard to…never change the narrative, but make the future narrative a bit better.
Mick: How do you think he's been able to make those changes?
Serena: I think the main thing for him was to acknowledge the hurt that he had caused. You know, he has publicly acknowledged my mum and the, the amazing woman that she is, the way she's raised her children, you know, the children. He's always complimented her in recent times about her strength and her contribution to who we have become as children and how proud he is of us, but how much she has played a big part in that.
I think he's never veered away from us asking questions about, you know, his behaviour. I mean, only as recent as Sunday, I talked to him about doing this and he said, I will always support you, and I think it's important for people to hear your story. And that's- that meant there was parts of him that were going to be told.
And I think, again, it just shows how far my dad has come to acknowledge that he could have done better. He could have done way better, but he's doing the best he can now.
Mick: During that really tough and turbulent time as a kid and with the violence in the home, was there anyone for you who was like a safe person for you.
Serena: Yeah. My nana, my mum's mum. She was my, you know, if you could draw safety, if you could take a picture of safety, if you could spell a name that was safe, it would be Nana. And she passed away over 25 years ago and when I mention her, I still feel safe, you know, and I think, thank God for her. She was huge in kind of making sure that both my brother and I were okay, that my mum was- knew she was loved, and that we had a safe place to go when things weren't going right.
You know, I always smile because her English wasn't that great. She came here from Samoa in the 1950s. But, man, her eyes told you that she loved you. Her hands held you and told you that she loved you. Yeah, she's- she was massive for me, I think. And I think every child deserves that one safe person, you know, it may not be the person you live with in the house. Might even be your rugby coach. I don't know, I mean, I'm, I've been coaching rugby for many years now. And, you know, I hope for some people that I've coached, I'm their one person, maybe, if they need somebody.
But I don't know if what I would have done if I didn't have that one person, being my Nana, you know, and we didn't even have to talk. Actually, most of the time I didn't talk, but she knew and um-
Mick: She knew what was going on?
Serena: Yeah. I mean, it wasn't hard to see the hurt that was in my mum. And, you know, the scars were easy to see with my mum. You know, but we didn't talk about it. And I think sometimes even that is a bit different than maybe today. It was- wasn't so much about don't talk about it, it was just…we didn't talk about it.
And, you know, there were many members of the family that knew what my mum was going through. And some would say maybe they avoided the conversation. And I think that it contributed to me thinking, okay, well, it must be normal because nobody talks about it in a way that it's like terrible. But it wasn't until I got older and I would hear people say, you know, what your mum had to endure was terrible, and, you know, and I'd be like, well, you didn't really say much when I was a kid.
Mick: Why do you think your- the members of your extended family stayed silent on the matter?
Serena: You know, I think there was an element of that’s who my mum chose to be with and you've got children and try and make it work. I think some people would say they didn't really want to get involved in other people's stuff. But that didn’t mean they didn't love my mum. It didn’t mean they didn't love us.
Plus, people didn't ask. I think there was a lot of people assuming that because we were from a good family, well, what seemed to be a good family, there's definitely nothing going on there. And so, you know, nowadays people ask questions. You get asked at school, are you okay? Sometimes we didn’t- me and my brother never experienced that. So, I suppose we thought, well, nobody's really interested in us. Not at that level. So, we're not going to say anything.
And then, we didn't want to get our dad in trouble. You know, and I think back and I think oh if too many people know- knew- we may not have been with our mum and dad and you know, so there were certain things as a child, you know, never to do. I was never allowed to bring people over. You can play on the street, but don't bring them in the house, you know.
And it wasn't that my mum said it explicitly, you just knew not to do that because you just didn't know what was going to potentially happen. And, you know, you’re very young, but you know safety is really important and so you don't want to put your friends in any danger.
Mick: Tell me about the impact that your dad's violence had on your mum when you were a kid.
Serena: Obviously I didn't know my mum before I was born, but I know that when people talk about my mum when she was younger, you know, she was a beautiful, brainy, confident young lady.
And I think the version of my mum that I grew up with during that time where she was having to deal with the physical, mental, verbal abuse, she was a shell of herself. She didn't come across as confident to me. She seemed to be scared of things. She was quiet. And I think, you know, there were times when, of course, she'd have a glass of wine and she'd get a little bit of confidence, and that was shut down pretty quickly.
So my mum just was…she was present. I don't think she was happy. You know, my mum has dedicated a lot of her life, if not most of her life, to her four children and, you know, she's got some amazing friends now. And I watch my mum now and I think, you know, man, you're pretty sociable, mum. You know, you're pretty funny too. And I never saw that when I was a kid, you know. But I think like me, my mum now can breathe.
In a lot of ways she is now who she wanted to be back then, but she was silenced and I'm proud of her. She's now flying, my mum. You know she's 72 and she's got the energy of a 60 year old and she's just loving her grandchildren and she just looks free. But growing up, not a lot of colour in my mum, you know, she was small. But now she's big, you know, so-
Mick: What's it like for you, seeing that weight come off her shoulders in her older years?
Serena: It’s powerful. I'm extremely proud of her. It's like a different level of appreciation for what she had to endure and how she's come through it all, and she's so strong. I have nothing but admiration for my mum. She's found her voice. And even the other day she says, you know, sometimes I feel like I need to be quiet. And I said to her, don't you ever be quiet again, mum. We've got you. You’re okay. Yeah, all I can say is I'm really proud of my mum. Yeah.
Mick: That’s great. And you mentioned that he wasn't just violent towards your mum. Who else became victim of his violence?
Serena: I mean, my dad was violent to probably a lot of people that he felt were…questioning him. There were times when he would have fights with strangers because they had said something to him that he didn't like. You know, there were a couple of incidences where I remember family were involved in altercations with my dad. It was his temper a lot of the time that kind of started it, and then if it came down to it, physical connection was next. You know, there were a couple of times when my brother experienced…my dad being angry at him [emotional].
So yeah, I don't know why I was the only one that never…And I think…I feel guilty at times that especially my brother had to experience things that I didn't. But yeah, you- you're a child. You don't- you don't have a choice sometimes and you just. You do your best. So yeah.
Mick: There's not a fairness to it, is there?
Serena: No. You really are invisible a lot of the time. Like, you're visible, but you're invisible. And I sit here at the age of 48 and it still makes me emotional. It doesn't go away. And I think that's the stuff that sometimes people don't really understand. Like, I'm still that child. I'm still four years old. And no matter how many achievements I've had in my life and I'm, I'm really lucky for all the support that I've got, and I've had some amazing accomplishments, especially, in sports and things like that.
I'm still that four year old child who just wants things to stop. People underestimate the impact on the children.
Mick: And how does still carrying that four year old around inside you affect who you are in the world now?
Serena: I see things maybe differently than other people. I- you know, I don't maybe measure safety the way other people measure safety. I don't look at trust the way people look at trust. There's so much complexity to the way I see things. You know, when I talk about things with other people, they have such a simplicity to their definition, and I have such, kind of, I feel like a confusion to it, you know.
Mick: Tell me about those differences in the way that you see safety and trust compared to most people.
Serena: I mean, safety for me is in so many layers, like, you know, there's the physical safety, there’s the mental safety, there's the verbal safety. You know, even walking to work, I'm very conscious of my surroundings, you know, like I'm always aware of what's happening around me, even if it requires me to take a second glance. And, you know, maybe a lot of people do that, but I feel like it's kind of part of my DNA.
When I go out, I try and get my back to a wall, or I know where the exits are. And I kind of think, who does that? Like, it's kind of like overwhelms you in terms of safety. And you could be in the most beautiful scenery and environment, and my first thought is, what's the safety aspects that I need to think about?
If someone comes towards me and I don't know, then what am I going to do? You know, when I think about trust, you know, it takes a lot for me to trust people and…I, I find it really hard to trust people. Like, I like people, but I don't know if I trust a lot of people. And maybe that's why I have a very small group of very good friends.
You know, I don't care too much for being a person that has a heap of friends. I don't share my story a lot to people, unless I think it will add value to them, as much as, you know, to others. I mean, so this is big for me. I, you know, it's it's kind of slipping a little bit out of my comfort zone, but I, I felt like I needed to do this. Again, for my own healing, but also hopefully it helps someone.
But, yeah, it's just the way I see things. If it was anyone else, I'd say it's not normal, you know? Even what- what love is, like what is love? You know, like, you know, you hear people who are married and that they, you know, they love each other. And I don't know what version I saw when I was young, and obviously that impacts you as you grow up.
So, all those things, you know, it feels like I can quickly go back to the thinking of a four year old just as quickly as if it was yesterday. Sometimes I wish I could just breathe. And sometimes it feels really hard to do just that. Yeah.
Mick: I know that in your working life you work really hard to advocate for and help resource people who are maybe on the fringes, or are experiencing a tough time of their own. Do you see a link between your background and your really hard mahi in that area?
Serena: I'd be lying if I said no. I think what draws me to the work that I do today is because I feel like I have an opportunity to really make a difference for somebody. Maybe a difference that I didn't have for me but could be there for someone else. And even being a part of contributing to the work that is done by my organisation, I don't know. You always want to- you always want someone not to not have to experience what you've experienced and, you know, I- I've always felt like I have a servant heart. And the work that I do allows me to do that, you know, to give service to other people and in a way that…all I can say is makes their life a little bit better.
I mean, I've had other jobs and I've really enjoyed those jobs, but this, you know, it's not a job. It's actually, like more of a passion. It's something that I, I wake up every morning grateful for the job that I have. And, and that today, maybe I can just make a little bit of difference. Yeah, I, I don't think it's a mistake that I'm in the work that I'm in.
I think the man above has led me here and said, you know what? You need to do something here, and I'm doing my best. You know, I know we're not all perfect, but I'm definitely trying my best to be one, the better version of myself and two, to make life better for someone else. So, yeah, you know, I've always struggled to protect myself, but I definitely have always, you know, I mean, I protect myself, but I've always put other people's protection before mine.
And I think I'm okay with it. I own that, but I think the more I get older, the more important it is to also protect myself and, and to know that I matter too. And I think that's, you know, it takes a while for you to appreciate yourself sometimes because you spend so many years kind of not knowing why.
Why did this happen to me? And but as a- you know, as I look back, I think if I didn't go through half the stuff I went through, I wouldn't be who I am today. And, you know, I'm extremely grateful for both of my parents, you know, the things that they did to support me, you know, through my sports, through my work, you know, through my life, yeah.
It always sounds weird when I say it out loud, you know, being grateful for. Because, you know, who would want to be grateful for that upbringing? But I don't know any different. That was my life. I can't change that. But I can definitely make my future better, so- and someone else's, so…
Mick: That’s great. It's great. I know I'm jumping around in time a little bit here, but did your mum seek any kind of formal support at the time?
Serena: I know that we used- we, at one stage we were all in family counselling? I don't know what my mum was feeling, and I still haven't asked her to this day, but I can only think that - Why is she going to be open and honest in a situation where my dad's sitting there? It's not like a safe space. And even as kids-
Mick: You're all there together?
Serena: We're all there together. And, you know, I remember kind of thinking, we can't tell this person everything. I remember my brother and I having a separate session and being asked questions like, you know, what’s it- what's it like at home and whatever. And we- we just didn't say anything because, again, we don't want to get anyone in trouble, and we definitely didn’t want our mum to face the consequences of us saying something to somebody because it wasn't going to be us that was going to get it from dad, it would be my mum, so…it wasn't a safe space for her. So, I think that's something when I look back, I think, man, if only some of the services today were available for my mum, maybe she would have been able to shed herself of some of the trauma that I know she still feels? But yeah things that are here now weren't there when we were younger.
Mick: How did your- how did your parents end up parting?
Serena: Well my dad left. I actually talked to my mum about this the other day, and my mum said…and it was the first time she never asked him to come back. My younger brother had just been born and weirdly, between the two of them, they decided enough was enough.
Mick: What do you think led to that decision for her?
Serena: I think she was tired. The physical violence was definitely not the significant part of it anymore. It was more about the verbal and the mental. You know, she’d just had my younger brother, so she had four kids and I just think she'd had enough. Like she finally decided enough is enough. And I think my dad decided that it was time to leave too.
You know, we always, my brother and I, we always talk about what life was like and how it still affects us now, and, you know, even positioning at the dinner table or when we go out to a restaurant and, you know, my brother and I, we purposefully position ourselves into certain spaces. One, to be in between our parents and not because anything's happened, but because that's just what kind of feels right. And we temper the tone of the conversation. Like if we feel like it's a topic that's potentially going to get some opinions, we change it, you know, and we take more control, which is, yeah, even now, we still revert back to those parts of our lives.
It's a- it's a weird way of being programmed.
Mick: If someone is listening to this podcast and they are currently in a home with violence, what would you like to say to them?
Serena: I think it's important for them to know they're not alone. There's nothing wrong with them. That if possible, find your one person, find your safe space even if it's outside of home. And just, you know, as you grow up, things get a little bit easier. But yeah, there's just nothing wrong with you. Like, as a child, I think it's really important to know that it's not your fault.
But yeah, equally, if parents are listening, try and listen to your children. You know and try and see them. Don't make them invisible. Engage them in things that help them bring out their passion. Things that they love. Help them find that one person because you know it does make a difference.
And I know for me, it was really important to be on a journey of forgiveness, because I don't think it was right for me to keep carrying the heaviness of being that child. So, whatever that looks like, if you can get support for you and your kids, please get that support or at least try it, because it could make a difference.
Mick: And when you say support, are you thinking of anything in particular?
Serena: You know, reaching out to someone to talk to. Refuge might be the place you need to go to. But I think for me, it's about finding someone you trust to have a conversation with, and that can come in all different shapes and forms, not necessarily talking, but accessing things online that might help you be able to understand things.
You know, there's so many things out there nowadays that weren't there in the past that I just think could really be helpful to some people. And I just would encourage people to kind of not hide from that, but see what they can embrace. So yeah.
Mick (VO): Ngā mihi nui, Serena, for so generously sharing your story with us, it's not easy to do, and I know you did it in order to help others see what healing from family violence can look like.
If this episode has brought anything up for you and you want some support, you can go areyouok.org.nz or call the 24/7 Are You OK Helpline on 0800 456 450 to speak anonymously to a safe person. That's 0800 456 450.
Contact details for Women's Refuge and information for people supporting someone experiencing family violence are in the show notes for this episode.
And I just want to mention that Serena's story is her own unique experience. Violence impacts people in many different ways, and the path to getting support and finding healing can be different for everyone too.
I really hope that you found Serena's story inspiring and empowering. If you found this useful, do have a listen to one of the other episodes in this Insider's Guide series, and I'll see you there. Ka kite anō.
PG
Description
Experiencing family violence or partner violence can leave us feeling isolated and alone. It can mess with our minds and even make us feel crazy. We often blame ourselves for what's happening, and it can make us feel like there's nowhere to turn. Throughout this series, you'll hear firsthand stories of people who have experienced family violence. And the reason these courageous people are sharing these stories is because they want people who are experiencing family violence to know that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, that it's not their fault, and that helpful support is available.As a child, Serena witnessed her father’s violence toward her mother and brothers. She speaks openly about the impact this had on her and the family unit. She also talks about her path to healing and even her journey of forgiveness.
** Content Warning: This episode is a discussion of violence witnessed as a child.
If you would like support, you can click 'get help now' in the bottom right hand corner of the screen to start a webchat with the Are You OK helpline, or call the helpline on 0800 456 450 to speak anonymously to a safe person.
To contact Women’s Refuge, go to womensrefuge.org.nz or call 0800 456 450.
Up Next
9 May 2025
The Insider’s Guide: surviving family violence
Experiencing family violence or partner violence can leave us feeling isolated and alone. It can mess with our minds and even make us feel crazy. We often blame ourselves for what's happening, and it can make us feel like there's nowhere to turn. Throughout this series, you'll hear firsthand stories of people who have experienced family violence. And the reason these courageous people are sharing these stories is because they want people who are experiencing family violence to know that they are not alone, that they are not crazy, that it's not their fault, and that helpful support is available.
Anum spent eight years married to a man who severely abused her physically, emotionally and psychologically. She courageously shares how her ex-husband used violence, control and fear to keep her silent and turn her into a shadow of her former self. Anum also speaks powerfully about how connecting with a community gave her the courage to take the slow steps out of her volatile marriage.
** Content Warning: This episode contains descriptions of physical and emotional abuse and references to suicide and infant loss.
If you would like support, you can click 'get help now' in the bottom right hand corner of the screen to start a webchat with the Are You OK helpline, or call the helpline on 0800 456 450 to speak anonymously to a safe person
To contact Women’s Refuge, go to womensrefuge.org.nz or call 0800 456 450.
Anum spent eight years married to a man who severely abused her physically, emotionally and psychologically. She courageously shares how her ex-husband used violence, control and fear to keep her silent and turn her into a shadow of her former self. Anum also speaks powerfully about how connecting with a community gave her the courage to take the slow steps out of her volatile marriage.
** Content Warning: This episode contains descriptions of physical and emotional abuse and references to suicide and infant loss.
If you would like support, you can click 'get help now' in the bottom right hand corner of the screen to start a webchat with the Are You OK helpline, or call the helpline on 0800 456 450 to speak anonymously to a safe person
To contact Women’s Refuge, go to womensrefuge.org.nz or call 0800 456 450.
Details & Info
PG
Parental Guidance Recommended for Younger Viewers.