Asexuality and sexual coercion

Content warning: this blog post discusses intimate partner violence, from the perspective of the person who experienced it. Please look after yourself as you read through this piece, and remember, the helpline is available to provide support 24/7. Call or webchat any time. 

The experiences mentioned here are from two women who are both sex positive and sex favourable. Asexuality has a wide range of expression and our stories will not be the same as sex averse/sex repulsed asexual people. Our experiences also differ from the experiences of masculine presenting people. 

Swathi’s story

I am a 40-year-old immigrant from India. I was brought up in a purity culture, so no woman was expected to have sex until they are married to the person chosen by their parents. I never even spoke about sex to friends, as it was such a taboo topic. For me, having sex was not an option until I gave up on arranged marriage altogether in my late 20s. I fell in love with the second person I met on my dating adventure and we decided to begin a life together in New Zealand.

This was my first long-term relationship, and even though it began well, once we committed to each other, sex started to be an issue. I was still new to sex and we had many conversations on his needs. I don’t want to say that I was coerced into sex in my relationship, because my partner cared about my pleasure. But I still felt sex was boring and a chore, and I constantly felt pressure to have sex cheerfully. As well as emotional pressure from my partner, I was pressured by my own expectations and the constant messaging I got from people on social media, TV, and movies. In a slow dawning realisation, I thought I could be asexual, and this relationship ended.

Knowing about asexuality and reading about others’ experiences, gives me a choice that I never had in my early adult life. Purity culture plus lack of knowledge about asexuality put me in vulnerable situations, which could have turned out worse for me.

Caz’s story

My experience is a little different. I was brought up in late 60s in a sexually liberal culture. I came from a family who talked about sex, marriage, and children openly. When I was 15 years old, I met my first boyfriend. I was coerced into having sex with him with threats of leaving and I thought it was normal. When we broke up, I became promiscuous, and drank to be able to have sex. At 21, I met my ex-husband who was in the army. I continued to have drunk sex thinking it was normal. We married, had two children, and spent 20 years together. My first marriage was filled with threats of leaving me, taking my children, or killing the kids and me. I did everything I needed to do for a quiet life including having sex whenever he wanted even though I felt sick with the thoughts of sex between us.

My second marriage was wonderful to start, I thought it was because I had found out I was attracted to women. However, it soon became clear that I was no longer having my needs met and again, I no longer wanted sex but felt I had to, to make her happy. We were together for 11 years, when I finally confessed my asexual identity, she ended the relationship.

Both these relationships were abusive and emotionally coercive. If I did not have sex, I would be given the silent treatment, I would be depreciated, and I did ultimately lose my home and everything I had worked hard for. I like sex when I feel loved, but as soon as my needs are not met, I no longer want anything. I now fully accept I am a queer-romantic ace.

Swathi and Caz

We both come from completely different backgrounds and until we knew about asexuality, we had negative experiences in our relationships. If we both had known about our asexuality before, we would never have started those relationships and we could have had peace and patience in looking for the right relationships for us.

In society, we are often told that sex is the cornerstone of human relationships. Is our being faithful, loving, caring, compassionate, and supportive in relationships less important than our ability to meet sexual demands of our partner? Ace people are often coerced into sex, according to research done by Ace-aro collective in Australia (by Kate Wood, 2024 available at https://acearocollective.au/read-the-report/).

Our hope for the future is that there will be more information available about asexuality, and that we will find partners who will value our identity and what we bring into the relationship.

If any of this story has resonated with you, either for your own experience or that of someone you know, please reach out. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to be respected and you deserve to have autonomy and control of your own life. The team on the Are You OK helpline can support you, from trying to unpick what you’re experiencing, right through to helping you to navigate support systems. Call or webchat anytime.