Q:

We have separated

My husband and I have today separated after a five year relationship. I had a difficult family environment to grow up in and so did he. I have snapped many times and flown at him in a blind rage, he says I "lose control" – and I know that my behaviour has hurt our son as this has happened in front of him, as has his anger toward me.

The other side of this is that he also is violent to me, and though I can't remember when it started, he calls me names like "psycho b***" and tells me that I am useless at everything I do, that he hates me and the sound of my voice and that I need help but never try to change.

I do seem to lose the plot when he calls me these names – I had a stepmother that would often talk to me that way and used to have panic attacks from it. Not long ago I called the police during an argument, where I backed him into a corner afraid of his leaving, and he snapped and put his hand on my throat and squeezed. He got out on bail and has been seeing a counsellor who he says is helping a lot but he still calls me the names and says he won't stop until I stop being what he calls me.

At the moment I have suggested that I go to live with my mum, who is now worried about me leaving my son with his father at home. I don't know what to do at the moment as I do love him and married him to spend my life with him. But he thinks the blame lies mostly on me.

Every time he leaves to get space in an argument he tells me that it's over for good and he's never coming back.

This breaking up with me in every argument has been going on for years also.

What should I do?


A:

Hello, Thank you for taking the time to write in with your question.

I think you know what to do and you have already started that process.

SEPARATE.

If you can't live in the same house together as a couple and as a family with your son, then separate. There is a suggestion that you go stay with your mum but she is worried about your son living with the father. Is there reason to be concerned about your son's health and welfare with the father? If there is then don't leave him there. Take him with you.

Are there concerns about your son's health and welfare in your custody?

Where is the safest place for your son right now?

I know you're writing in with the questions that YOU want answered for YOU. You and your husband are adults and have the resources to move and do as you please. 

Your son does not.

His health and welfare is totally dependent on the two of you STILL. No matter what you two are going through.
So think this over clearly. Get him to a safe place which is probably not with the two of you together at the moment.

Right, now as for you. I suggest you get on the phone and ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details for a stopping violence programme that you can join and get started on addressing your family violence issues or as you call it...

• ‘I have snapped many times and flown at him in a blind rage'

There is a reason for this happening and you already know what one of those issues is:

• I had a difficult family environment to grow up in.

This is your starting point to get help and beginning the healing process. This is not about your husband. It's about YOU! And getting help for YOU!

There is very little you can do for him while you are going through all this trauma and drama.

You deserve more and better.

If all your husband has to offer is abuse then....FORGET IT..... while you go on a journey of healing and restoration of your life.

It's all about you...why is it about you? Because you wrote in with your question.

If he had written in then I would advise him to do the same thing - ring the information line 0800 456 450 and join a stopping violence programme.

Take care of yourself and take care of your son. 

Leave your husband to continue with his counselling.

You join a programme and get counselling.

The hope is that at some stage the two of you can get back together, if not for each other then hopefully for the benefit of your son and his future.

I hope this helps.

Vic

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