Q:

Out of the blue he snaps

Hi there I don't know where to start. Me and my partner have been together for about four years. We have a two year old son together. When we are good we're really good then out of the blue he snaps. He says all these mean things me and he has been violent in the past. 
I don't know what to do any more. He was a heavy drinker and now he is getting help and he been alcohol free for a month now. 

When he is good he has goals for himself, his son and us, but he can't seem to stay on the path for long. 
He has had a really bad upbringing, been in CYF homes since he was two. 

He snaps in his sleep and he doesn't remember anything in the morning. He finds it really hard to talk to people. He says he's like his dad and he hates it. I'm so confused please help.


A:

Hallo - Thank you so much for writing in.

Please don't be confused anymore.

All that is happening is not your fault. 

It's not your fault. And unfortunately it's probably not your partner's fault either, he will be just as confused and will blame himself for what he doesn't understand is happening to him

The alcohol is what you can see.

What you can't see is what is happening on the inside, which makes him:

‘out of the blue he snaps' and 
‘he say all these mean things me' and
‘violent in the past' and 
‘he snaps in his sleep' and 
‘he doesn't remember anything in the morning' and
‘he finds it really hard to talk to people' and 
‘he says he's like his dad'.

It easy for him to say that he is like his Dad cause he don't know any other way to explain what is going on. 

‘when he is good he has goals for himself his son and us' he ‘can't seem to stay on the path for long'.

He cannot and will not be able to stay on this path of change if he does not go and get long term help.

The issues and problems that he has are actually older than he is cos they have been handed down to him from his father. The family violence he perpetrates is generations old and for me, I call it a curse.

I understand your partner cos I was just like him.

I eventually got help by joining a stopping violence programme, I found out about the influence of drugs and alcohol, even though I didn't really drink and drug that much.

I went to individual and couple counselling.

I attended a whole lot of different training and courses so that I could understand what was going on inside me every time I got angry.

At different times I thought I was going insane, because I didn't want to do the violence I was doing but I had no other way of sorting it out cos I didn't know any other way.

I literally had to learn to communicate without the violence and especially the violence I was doing to my family, relations and friends.

Your partner can also get this help by ringing our information line on 0800 456 450 and finding out what help is available for him.

He has to take the responsibility to make that move.

It is hard at the stopping violence programme - looking in the mirror at yourself every night you go. You have to stop blaming other people for your violence, but you learn heaps if you allow yourself to learn.

If you don't feel safe while he is there in the house, then you need to get and get to a safe place either with family or friends or if there is no safe place amongst family and friends then make contact with the Women's Refuge in your area. Or your partner needs to leave the house and leave the two of you safe in the house.

http://www.womensrefuge.org.nz/ 

Crisisline: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843

Your partner needs to sort himself out for himself before he can be a real man, partner and father.
I hope this helps you to make the right move for your safety and the safety of your two year old. 
This is what matters right now.

Vic

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