Q:

Should I stay and help him or run?

Hey, I have a boyfriend of 5 years now and we have a 2 year old son. My boyfriend has a very big anger problem and although he has not yet hit me he threatens and smashes things around me. He also does it in front of our son. There are times when my boyfriend and I have been in the car and he’s gone off his nut and starts driving erratically making me actually fear for my life. This all gets worse when he drinks which isn’t regularly but I’m afraid when he has drunk. Other times when he’s not violent he’s very caring and loving towards both me and our son but I’m confused about what to do really. Should I stay and help him or run?


A:

Hi, thanks for your question

LET ME RECAP...
Boyfriend:
- has a very big anger problem 
- he threatens and smashes things around me
- he’s gone off his nut
- starts driving erratically making me actually fear for my life
- all gets worse when he drinks 
- other times when he’s not violent he’s very caring and loving towards both me and our son 

Let’s get one thing sorted, the list above, all the things that you say that your boyfriend is doing IT’S ALL ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR AND INDICATORS OF THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE and IT IS NOT OK.

Until he wants and gets the help
YOU CAN’T HELP HIM!

I've done all the things your boyfriend is doing. I couldn't understand where my violence was coming from and all I knew was to smash, trash, thrash, and bash. It wasn't until after I had bashed my 8 year old daughter that I was FORCED yea FORCED to go and find and ask for help, before that I actually thought I was OK. I was not OK.

I was over thinking, under thinking, not thinking and stinking thinking, I couldn't figure out why things were not getting better after giving the bash. WHY wasn't it working? Cos I didn't have any SAFE thinking re my violence. I was on automatic, I had pressed the replay button and it was glued down with superglue!

I never knew, no one had ever told me, no one ever had ever shown me, taught or modelled for me any other another way to deal with my anger and violence.

I went to STOP the anger management programme for men - and THEY, not my wife, gave me the tools to be able to understand and control my anger. Then I was able to explain it all to my wife and children and allow them to tell me, without getting angry, the affect that my violence had had on them. We even came up with a safety plan that would swing into play if they ever felt unsafe or threatened by me.It eventually got to the point where the kids would just say ‘awww daad' and that was enough of a lead in for me to activate my plan to keep my family safe.

I WAS THE ONE DOING ALL THE VIOLENCE AND ABUSE!! SO I HAD TO DO ALL THE WORK to STOP my violence and abuse.

Your boyfriend needs to get help NOW! There are programmes available in your area.
The boyfriend needs to check them out. Our information line on 0800 456 450 has details of programmes available in your area.

The best advice I can offer you is to encourage your boyfriend to ring one of the men's non violence programmes in your area and get their professional advice and help. They are the trained people, in this field, to give him the help.

You need to think about what you can do to keep you and your child safe, you can ring the 0800 line to find out what support services are available for you. 
And from me to your boyfriend: It’s OK Bro, it’s OK to ask for help and I'm here to support you and get you back to the caring and loving person towards both your partner and your son THAT I KNOW YOU ARE!

Vi
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