Q:

My mum is a broken spirit

I want my dad dead. 

My brothers and I grew up with the hidings but nothing compares to the mental and emotional abuse as well as the physical abuse he had inflicted on my mum even before they married. 

My mum is a broken spirit. My mum lives for us her adult children and now more so for her four grandchildren.

Mum tries to justify Dad's behaviour because of his own abusive upbringing, this is crap, everyone has a choice in life if they really want to change.

40+ years is a long time and it needs to stop. 
Mum says it's God that gives her the strength to deal with it, really?

Is there a God? 

Well my mum isn't Moses wandering around in the desert enduring a horrible life.

My mum has never been happy. 

Her mistake was meeting my dad thinking he was the light at the end of the tunnel of the same abuse she suffered at the hands of her older sister. 

Mum's only escape is to cry, she says it's her way of venting. 

From the clothes she wears, to cutting and dying her hair, her husband controls her life. 

We have tried during the years to remove her but with her mind-set she says that if we love her then leave her to deal with it, because Dad is sick too.

I am done with him. 

As adult children who have seen this for years we cannot live our lives as we are all in fear for our mum. Mum told her church minister a while back, nothing became of that. I want to push him down the stairs and be done with him. Mum married him in her 20s, she is in her 70s now. 

My mum is the love of my life. 

I dated my partner for 12 years before marrying him six months ago and have only just realised why my mum cried and wanted me to stay at home all these years, as I have only moved out three years ago. I was her protector and now, I am failing her. 

Please help.


A:

Hallo, Hi I hear what you are saying.

I just don't want you to act on it, the consequences of you taking action on that feeling of wanting your Dad dead are serious.

Even thinking it is serious.

It's as serious as the actions that your Dad has done to you, your brothers and Mum.

PLEASE! DONT GO THERE!

There are no excuses for your Dad's behaviour.

The trouble for Dad is:
If you don't know what you don't know 
You'll always do what you've always done and 
You'll always get what you've always got.

And this is where he has been at for a long time and he has not been told, shown, mentored any other way or had that behaviour positively challenged.

This sounds like where your Dad is at. Unfortunately it also seems like this is where Mum is as well.
It does not have to stay that way though.

I know stopping violence workshops that are run in Auckland on a weekly basis for Samoan men in the Samoan language where men in their 60s and 70s attend and they are getting the message at their ripe age that

Family Violence is not OK and It's OK to Ask for Help.

These men are recognising that their behaviours are violent and abusive, that these behaviours that have been considered normal are not normal and they are coming along to the workshops to find the tools and skills to change.

I KNOW that this can be hard for you to hear right now.

All I am saying is that it is not too late for your Dad and Mum.

I so much want to help Dad. He so deserves a better life and to recognise and acknowledge his behaviour and make the change.

PLEASE.

Ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and see what help is available for you and Dad. If we can get Dad to a stopping violence programme just so that he can hear from the group and the other men on the programme the hope is that this will help Dad.

Dad has to take that step with help from you but more so from the boys as they can go with Dad to the group.

Please, before the sun sets on Mum and Dad and because of your love for Mum get help for Dad.

Mum probably believes that this is her lot and what she deserves. YOU and I know it isn't. 

She really needs a healthy relationship, help her if she doesn't want to leave, get Dad help to change, this is the best way to help Mum.

Family violence is not to be tolerated at any age, culture, status, family, village, job country, city, town ethnicity.

Family Violence is not OK.

It would be good to see the old man change his ways and the beauty of him comes shining through for all to see what Mum sees.

I really feel for you and I hope that this is enough info to help Dad be a safe man.

Please keep in touch.

Vic

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