Q:

It's like once were warriors

Hi I'm 25 and I need help.

I have hit my Mrs a number of times. I love her so much but when we drink together it is exactly like Once Were Warriors – happy then something will happen and I just snap in a fit of rage. 

Her friends are my friends and I'm losing them all because of my actions. I hate myself for months. 

We hardly drink but when we do it turns nasty. I do have a temper and I'm sick of being angry and feeling regretful.

I just don't want to lose her. She is so good to me and I don't know why she hasn't left me. I want to change.


A:

Hi, thanks my friend for writing in and asking for help. At 25 you are so young to be going through all this. You should be enjoying your life to the max, violence and abuse free.

I know where you at, I was once there and done all that.

You say that you love your Mrs and you have hit her a number of times - really is that ‘love'?
You have already tapped into one of the problems in your relationship and you have made an attempt to sort it out.

The DRINKING!

My friend if you really want to reach the place where you are a safe man free of violence and abuse you have to knock the alcohol on the head.

STOP DRINKING ALCOHOL

Yes YOU...don't be pointing the finger at the ‘Mrs'. You have to be the man of the house, for your family and draw the line.

1. No more alcohol 
2. No more violence 
3. No more hitting of the ‘Mrs' 
4. No more bad temper 
5. No more being angry 
6. No more feeling regretful.

You know what the problems are, we need to find out where this list of problems comes from. When you ask yourself the question ‘Who am I?' it will give most of the answers to the reasons why you do the ‘violence' that you do.

I was beaten up as a kid by my parents, at school, church, Sunday school, everyone was allowed to teach me and discipline me with violence and it was called love and it was done cos God loved me.

I grew up and this was normal.

BUT it screwed me up. Cos I believed I was allowed now to beat up people in public and my family. I knew no other way of resolving problems and issues. This is why I landed up in court and expelled from high school and as an adult bashing people up and going to court and getting charged, convicted and sentenced for assaults.

I had no skills or ways to resolve any of the problems and issues other than by dishing out the bash. I got to the stage where I would get myself into a dangerous situation where it was kill or be killed and there are three times in my life where I should be dead.

I knew no other way out of the mental state that I found myself in, thinking I was going nuts cos I couldn't figure out a better way of dealing with things. I didn't communicate I bashed. I didn't talk, I froze people out - including my family for hours, days, weeks and all because I couldn't figure things out. I was never taught how to deal with anger other than to hit.

I didn't drink or smoke or take dope they were not my drug, violence was. I needed help with the anger, the rage that would just come outta nowhere and I would smash, bash, trash and sometimes for no real rhyme or reason.

I thought I was going nuts.

I got accepted to attend an anger management group in 1992. It was in this group that I got to find about who Vic was and all my issues that came from being raised in a violent environment.

When I found this out I was mad and happy at the same time. I was happy cos I now knew that there was a reason why I was doing what I was doing but I was mad that no one had ever taught, told or showed me any other way.

I didn't get these skills and tools till I was nearly 40 years old. Hard head eh.

I believe that we may have similar stories.

Please before it gets any worse, especially with Christmas and 2014 fast approaching:

• Stop drinking alcohol
• If your temper is as bad as you say, move out. Please don't stay in the same house and be tempted to bash the ‘Mrs' again
• Let your partner know that you are serious in your love for her and that you are moving out 
• Let your partner know that you have written in to me asking for help
• Let your partner know that you want to stop all the violence that you are doing and you will keep her posted on the journey to be a safe man
• Let her know that you have stopped drinking 
• Ring 0800 456 450 and get the number of the local stopping violence programme and get on the programme
• Keep yourself safe until you can get on the programme
• If you're true blue about making the change once you are on the stopping violence programme let your friends know the changes you are making and why. You don't need their support you just need to inform them as they are friends of both you and your partner.

This has to be your journey to uncover the causes of the violence and abuse. You need to discover the tools and skills to start the journey to be a safe man. You need to recover from the violence and abuse as a victim and as a perpetrator.

As you go down this journey you will be able to truly understand what has been going on in your life cos whatever it is that has happened to make you this angry, bad tempered, violent man only you know and as you get more tools and skills to help yourself, then and only then will you be able to properly share with others, more especially your partner.

Your partner needs to be able to see the new and safe man not the bad tempered, violent, angry man.

I know that this man is there cos you have manned up and written in.

You're da man!

Let's get this journey started so that at 25 in 2014 we begin a new, safe and violence and abuse free lifestyle.

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