Q:

I'm hearing all these excuses

Hi here. My husband got violent a few nights ago and police gave him a safety order. He feels bad for what happened, but he's an adult and although it wasn't me that was the problem I was the one that wore it. 

He has been escalating re drinking, bad temper etc and it's scary if he's driving and he gets angry and starts driving erratically.

Well I've told him if it happens again, the kids see physical stuff or he hits me, then I will press charges next time – I really need a male's perspective on this.

He thinks everything will be fine as he just quit his job which he said was the root of the problems for the past four years. 

If he can't see he has an anger/drinking problem he can't get help. 

I'm hearing all these excuses but I have been in an abusive relationship before I had kids and I swore to myself I would never let my children witness violence in the home. 

He's my best friend but now I know there's a side to him that is full of hatred and I'm wary now. 

What do you think I should do from here as his wife?

 


A:

Hi, thank you for writing in asking for a male's perspective on your situation.

None of the violence and abuse that is being perpetrated is to do with you. It is his problem and unfortunately you and the kids are the recipients of his anger.

Nothing will be fine until he get to a place that gives him the understanding of what he doing to you and the kids and the self-destruction that he is doing to himself.

I understand that he is your best friend, but are you his best friend - there is a difference. 
If you are truly his best friend then he will be able to hear when you ask him to phone our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details for the local stopping violence programme and sign up to the intake and take every necessary step to make sure that he is a safe man in the home and around you and the kids.

Do not tolerate his violence and abusive behaviour.

You and the kids have the right to live free from this violence and abuse especially when that violence and abuse is perpetrated by your husband and the father of your kids.

He most definitely has to get himself sorted.

The Police put a PSO order on him. COOL. Thank god for the Police doing their job.

Now if he is serious about getting help for this violence and abusive behaviour that is NOT OK, then he needs to leave the house while he goes through a programme.

If he can be a man about it he can do this as it will be the choice that he makes that will keep him safe for the rest of his life. It is a life style change that he is looking for and in order to get the change he will have to challenge a lot of the issues probably of his past to get the present sorted so that his/yours and the kids future is a safe one.

Not an easy journey for someone that ‘don't know what he don't know'. I believe that because he is angry and he is drinking and driving erratically and doing all the things he's doing.

HE KNOWS there is a problem, he just don't know what to do or won't go and get help or to be seen to be weak by getting help.

Instead he takes it out on the ones that are just as vulnerable as he is YOU AND THE KIDS.
It is so so sad that he has taken this road of violence and abuse when there are programmes and workshops in the community for men like us to get the knowledge and help.

IT'S A REAL MAN THAT MANS UP, ACKNOWLEDGES THERE'S A PROBLEM AND GETS IT SORTED.
The programme I attended in 1992 helped me and that was because I wanted the help because the violence and abuse that I was doing was not working, it was not giving the results that I wanted, which was the love and respect of my family, instead I got obedience out of fear.

I really feel for him as once upon a time I was him.

I am not anymore and I help men that perpetrate family violence.

If possible get him to make contact with me through this email so him and I can a have a talk about things.

As an example of men's groups that happen around the country, there is a men's group that meet every Wednesday in Greymouth. These men want to be safe men, free from violence, abuse, alcohol, drugs etc

Last night a group of 11 met and after group six of us went to a local pub to watch the Rugby League State of Origin.

Most of us are big men and in a pub full of other men we cast a very big shadow. The person at the bar serving us was taken aback when we asked for 12 bottles of ginger beer a bowl of peanuts and a bowl of chips.

We are Safe Men with a Safe Family.

I want your husband to join us. So I hope he can make contact with me by email.

Vic

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