Q:

I want him in my daughter's life

I am 27 years old and my on again off again boyfriend and I have a 4 year old daughter and I am 6 months pregnant with our second child. We have been together 9 years he is 33 years old.

I moved out of the home we shared a year ago because he was cheating, verbally and sometimes physically abusive. I never wanted to be a single parent so I allow him to come to my home and spend time with us but he doesn't respect my home. He has torn things up in my home because he was upset with me. When he gets mad at me he won't see our daughter for weeks, sometimes months.

If I don't turn her over to him immediately he threatens to fight me or even kill me. He does pay his child support and threatens to take her from me. Am I supposed to just turn her over to him?

I have agreed to set times for him to get her regularly but he doesn't want to do that.

My mom helps me when I work, he curses her and talks bad about my whole family. 

I try not to let his words hurt but they do. I never talk down on him. I want him in my daughter's life but what do I do?


A:

Hi, you do not deserve this violence and abuse in your life, your daughter's life or that of your yet to be born child. It is not OK for him to use your four year old daughter to get back at you.

"If I don't turn her over to him immediately he threatens to fight me or even kill me."

This is a serious, serious issue please don't take it lightly. Ring the Police on 111 when this happens again and get in contact with Women's Refuge for your safety and that of your daughter and the yet to be born child. You can phone our information line on 0800 456 450 and be put through to the Refuge in your area.

Being a single parent is what you are right now and living in fear of his violent and abusive behaviour. His verbal abuse is the same as the physical abuse if not worse and he uses it on your Mum and your family as well.

My advice is to keep him out of your life until he has attended a stopping violence programme, has successfully completed it to the satisfaction of the facilitators of the programme and you are satisfied that he has made a major lifestyle shift to be a SAFE MAN in order to have a SAFE FAMILY.

His only way back, if that is what he wants, is to ring 0800 456 450 and get the contact details for a local stopping violence programme and join up.

He will need to make a real major lifestyle change before he can come anywhere near you, the babies and your family. Talk is cheap, especially with all the trash talk that he has been doing.

Please be patient with yourself, this is not of your doing, you are not to blame at all for what is happening. It is his problem and issues that need dealing to.

Please stay in touch.

Vic

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