Q:

I think I should leave him

Me and my partner have been together almost five years. We have two children together and another on the way. 

I am very confused about my partner. When we are doing good we are doing really good. But I just gotta do one thing wrong and he'll snap! 

He has been violent in the past and I'm not sure if he'll do it again.

He's really jealous and doesn't like me to dress up or anything. He dislikes all my friends and if I go out with them he will hit me for it. 

Also if I don't do what he wants he gets mad and calls me names. 

I think I should leave him but I love him and believe he can change.

What do you think? 

I get scared of him a lot also.


A:

Hello, thank you for writing in.

I understand and appreciate that you love him and believe that he can change.

BUT...

Is he doing anything to change or are you waiting in hope that something, someday will change?

In order for him to change he needs to get himself to a place where he can get that knowledge and learning to change and that place is a stopping violence programme.

The things you mentioned are indicators of abuse, violence, power and control:

• He'll snap! 
• He has been violent in the past and I'm not sure if he'll do it again
• He's really jealous 
• Doesn't like me to dress up or anything
• He dislikes all my friends
• If I go out with them he will hit me for it
• Also if I don't do what he wants he gets mad and calls me names
• I get scared of him a lot also.

This is not a healthy relationship.

This issue of power and control only gets worse and leads to more physical violence as he tries to enforce more power and control.

He is out of control.

Please be confused no more. If he is doing this to you, what is he doing to the kids?

OR what will he do to the kids when he tries to use the same power and control over them?

He doesn't know what's going on for him when he goes from one extreme to another.

You must ring 0800 456 450 and get the contact details for the Women's Refuge and get yourself, your unborn child and the young kids to a place that is safe and free from family violence.

The only time it will be safe for you at home is when HE leaves and HE is getting help and HE has signed into a stopping violence programme.

He has problems and issues and has no idea on how to help himself. I really, really feel for him but I feel for you and the kids more.

He is a dangerous man right now BUT there is help out there for men like us.

Yes, I was one of those men like your partner.

I and my family now consider me a safe man after completing the programme in 1992 but I had to continue on with the programme up to the present.

Please keep yourself and the children safe.

Vic

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