Q:

I need help with my anger

Hi, I recently have come out of an abusive relationship with my partner. I hit her in front of the kids and while she was pregnant. 

I also cheated on her. 

What I'm asking is I need help with my anger and controlling it. We talk and then it ends up me getting a lot of hate from her. What should I do? 

I am trying to change my ways we have a son together please help.


A:

Hey shot my man, thank you for writing in asking for help.

Even though you have now come out of that abusive relationship it's not too late to ask for help.

The first thing you need to do is to respect the home for your partner and your son and get out of the house and don't hassle her and your son anymore.

That home needs to be a home free of abuse and violence or otherwise your son will grow with the same issues of abuse and violence that you are going through.

It is up to you my man to set the legacy for your son.

That's right I said YOU. The fact that you have written in is an indication that you realise that your abusive and violent behaviour is not ok.

Now YOU are the one that is violent and abusive. The family do not deserve this from you.

Find a place to live, ring our information line on 0800 456 450 get the contact details for a local stopping violence programme and join it.

Let your partner, siblings and family know what you are doing.

A lot of men, and I am included in this group, don't tell anyone that they have joined a stopping violence programme for fear of being called names or being seen as weak.

You are none of this. By writing in asking for help in fact it's the opposite, it takes more of a man to face up to his issues of violence.

So let people know that you are doing something about it.

RIGHT

Whenever you feel the anger rising, my friend, take a timeout. Don't stick around to continue on the argument.

TIMEOUT means you:

• Start taking 30 deep breaths...practice now...take 30 deep breaths...cool
• Turn away and walk and don't turn back
• Find a safe place, a park, the beach, somewhere peaceful for you
• Walk, don't drive
• No alcohol or drugs
• Don't ring anyone, unless it's a mentor from the stopping violence programme
• Go for a specific time such as 20-30 minutes then return. You decide how long in agreement with people in the house
• When you're there, think and contemplate about what just happened that made you angry
• Don't think about what anyone else was doing, think about your behaviour.

I hope that you can use the TIMEOUT immediately and while you're attending the stopping violence programme so that you can bring the issues to the group to get clearer understanding of what is going on inside of you.

Find a quiet time in the home wherever it is that you are living and explain this timeout process to people in the house so that they know about your timeout and its purpose to keep you and everyone safe.

It's not about being a chicken or any less of a man.

It's about taking responsibility for your anger, abuse and violence and not wanting to perpetrate it anymore. You are on the journey to make sure that you will be safe to be around when the going gets tough.

A lot of the violence and abuse comes about cos we have never been given the knowledge on how to handle ourselves when we get angry.

And a lot of the issues when we get angry come from our past.

These issues need to be safely uncovered in a stopping violence group.

NOW until you find a stopping violence group stay in touch with me on this site.

There is a lot you need to know in order to make you a safe man and it will take time but once you have got the knowledge your whole life will change for the better.

It's about starting the journey to a lifestyle that is family violence free and you are safe man with a safe family.

Keep in touch.

Vic

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