Q:

I managed to leave him

Hi Vic, I've now been away from my abusive partner for a year. With the help of the women's refuge and a dear friend I managed to leave him. We now live in separate towns but the violence still continues. We have a 3 year old son together. I am in my final stages of a parenting order after kidnappings and the last year of abuse, every day. 

I get text abuse phone calls, black mail, death threats and any other form of abuse you can think of including harassing my family members and I'm over it. I am too scared to go to the police because then I know he will come to town and kill me. I don't know what he is capable of doing to me or my family members 
Is this normal?

What do I do?

I feel the only option is to leave town and run or hide. He tries to make me go back by telling me he has changed but clearly he has not got any help and continues the cycle of violence towards me. 

He says now that he has had the time away from us he'll never beat me again, but then gets drunk and repeatedly texts and phones me and it's all threats and abuse.

I'm so scared of him. 

I believe he will kill me or a member of my family because I don't love him or want him back. What can I do? Thanks.


A:

Hallo, thank you for taking the time to write in.

This is a very, very, serious issue as you already know.

He has not changed and you are absolutely right not to trust anything he says to you.

The ‘the last year of abuse, every day I get text abuse, phone calls, black mail, death threats and any other form of abuse' is a very clear indication of where his head is at.

You have to take all of this at face value and the threats are real and possible. If he has made all these threats to you and your family they are real.

All the violence that he threatens is normal for him as he knows no other way of communicating.
BUT this family violence is NOT normal.

YOU have the responsibility of raising your son free of all this violence which is his right.

YOU have the right to live free of all forms of family violence.

YOU have to seek safety for you and your son with the Women's Refuge.

YOU have to let the Police know that all this is happening.

YOU have to work with Women's Refuge to take a Protection Order against him.

If you have to leave town or relocate again please, please, please, do it.

There is no way that this perpetrator is going to be of any use to you any more as a partner or a friend. He is of no use to you or your son as a role model as a man or a father. He has given you no choice but to ensure that the life for you and you son is one where you do not have to live in fear of him and his threats.

Unfortunately he is a coward and a bully. Unfortunately he believes that this is the only way that he can be a man by making all these threats.

BUT he can be a real man and man up. He can do this by leaving you and you son alone till he asks for and gets help. If he could see himself in the mirror and hear himself and all the bad talk that he is doing.

If he could really see himself and hear himself and get help from a stopping violence programme, he would see that this is not what a real man is all about and not the type and style of man that his son would grow up to admire and look up to.

He can change he just has to ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details for the stopping violence programme in his area and ask for help.

YOU get all the help you can from Women's Refuge, the Police, Victims Support, surround yourself with the people and agencies that care and are there to help.

If he texts you just reply with:

Ring 0800 456 450 and get help from a stopping violence programme.

AND/OR

Contact Vic Tamati by googling It's Not OK

DO NOT text anything else.

OR get Women's Refuge to text back to him to get help.

The threats of violence are the only way he has of communicating how he is feeling. I do not believe that this is really how he is feeling he just has not been shown or taught any other ways.

I want to help him through this time it's really hard for him to think straight.

I want him to be able to communicate with you in a real way that enables you both to bring up your son in a safe and healthy way.

I hope this of help to you.

Vic

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