Q:

I keep losing my temper

Hey I'm a 32 year old male and since the birth of our baby boy of two months (the second of our two babies of which the other girl is 16 months) me and my partner have been having heated arguments and I find myself getting to the point where I lose all rational thinking and say things I don't mean and yell and scream till she and the kids are upset and I either walk out or she does. 

She tells me I have a problem but she's just as bad most of the time too. 

A lot of the time I'm at a point where I feel it coming on and oddly enough I tell her to just back off I don't want an argument but like many females, she knows all my buttons and presses them repeatedly till I lose my temper. 

I'm pushing her away and as we speak she's staying at a friend's house and I can't see my babies. This is the second time in three days! I don't want to feel this way or hurt anyone, I'm over the yelling and have now come to the conclusion I may have an issue and if I try at least even if she won't do it with me, one of us should be enough to work through it, what should I do.

 


A:

Hallo, thank you for your question and having the sense to realise that you may have an 'issue'.

My friend it's not a matter of whether she will do anything or not. She's done it.

It does come down to YOU coming to the point of taking responsibility for your violence and abuse and for getting the tools and skills to get you through this rough period.
Can you let your partner know that you are serious about getting help and

1. You don't want to feel this way 
2. You don't wanna hurt anyone
3. You're over the yelling 
4. You have now come to the conclusion you may have an issue.

Your words not mine.

Let her know that this is where you're at and that you have made contact with me via email and your journey has begun to make sure that you become a safe man, safe partner, with a safe family.
Talk is real cheap my friend, real cheap. Now you gotta back this up.

NOW for the real HARD part.

YOU gotta move out.

Your family need to continue on as normal as possible in the place that is familiar to them.
READ ON!

Yes bro, while you are at the beginning of this journey, the family do not need to see your ugly side any more.

Your babies have already seen it, heard it, felt it and are beginning to believe it to be the truth, that this is Daddy's normal:

• having heated arguments
• find myself getting to the point where I lose all rational thinking
• say things I don't mean
• yell and scream till she and the kids are upset
• either I walkout or she does.

Now let your partner know that you will still stick with all your obligations as the partner and father, but agree with your partner it is for the best while you are on the journey to getting better. While you are on this journey make sure the place you move into is a safe place for you.

NO drink, no drugs, no mucking around.

Now ring 0800456 450 and get the number for the local stopping violence programme. Join the programme and complete it. If there's anything on the programme that you're not sure about email me.

This is the beginning of you becoming a safe man.
Can I go home you ask?

Yes you can, when your partner and the programme believe that you have got enough tools and skill so that the family do not have to put up with the ugly you anymore.

From here on in they should only see the safe you.

Will you get angry and have arguments again - probably - until you get to the point where you and your partner can have a conversation and a discussion on all issues without all the other rubbish.
If your friends ask what is going on, as long as your partner agrees, YOU let people know what's going on.

It's not for your partner to carry this. YOU are the man of the house and you are taking responsibility for the health, care and welfare of you family, by ensuring that you are a safe man.

This ain't an easy journey. As you do the stopping violence programme you will come across issues that will have caused you to behave and react the way that you do now, this is the journey to find out what we don't know so the we can know and make it right for you, your partner and the kids' future.

If you behave differently she will react to that new person.

Your partner may have issues as you believe, she WILL let you know and she WILL go and get help for herself.

Your kids will need help as well, as they may exhibit negative behaviour as a reaction to what they have experienced from the interaction with you and your partner.

I salute you my friend. You are a real man with a heart that cares about himself, his partner and his kids.

Get back to me when you can

Vic

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