Q:

I feel I have lost control

Dear Vic,

My whole life I have been kind and considerate, but with some major temper issues. 
I guess being fatherless has contributed to some pretty big anger issues deep down. 
I have always been able to control myself with people.

Until now.

My fiancée and I have been together for almost 9 years now and have three beautiful children. Recently however when my partner and I argue I have found myself becoming more controlling in my speech and have started to get more physical in my attack. I have hit her once and am often grabbing her in an aggressive and controlling manner.

I feel I have lost control and cannot stand the man I am becoming. Who can I see to help me gain control again? I am placid by nature but need to gain control of my deeper anger before I lose my family.

Please help


A:

Hi, thank you for writing in and asking for help, if more men could write in asking for help, our world would be a much better place.

Now let's see how we can make your world better.

The issue you have is not with your partner of 9 years or your three beautiful children. It's YOU and the skills and tools you do not have for having and maintaining a relationship. I think you have got it sussed in that growing up without a father may be the cause of where you are today.

Family violence starts like that with you trying to impose your way on someone and that someone is always the person that is closest to you. It's not about gaining control over your family. You need to come to understand why it is that you feel that need to have that power and control through:
• becoming more controlling in my speech and 
• have started to get more physical in my attack. 
You know that you are doing these things when formerly you say that 
• My whole life I have been kind and considerate
The violence will get worse until you get that help to stop the violence.
Your violence is out of control because as you say
• I feel I have lost control and cannot stand the man I am becoming.

Make a contract with your family, that in order to keep the family and home a safe place YOU LEAVE and start the journey to be a SAFE MAN. Leaving and getting help will ensure that the home is and remains a SAFE PLACE and that you have a SAFE FAMILY.

There is a saying that I use a lot: ‘if you don't know what you don't know, you'll always do what you've always done and you'll always get what you've always got'.

So I wonder my friend who were your male role models growing up and who and where did you learn to be a partner? Who showed or taught you to be a husband? How did you learn to be a father? The role model you have growing up can have a major impact on your life in the future.

Now if you did not have a role model where did you get your knowledge about a relationship and in your case a long-time relationship with children?

Again I thank you for asking for help.

All the forms of violence are not ok.

The best place for you to get help is to ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and ask for the nearest stopping violence programme in your area, make contact and sign up for the next intake.

Also when you ring the 0800 number or the stopping violence programme find out about 
• relationship counselling http://www.relationshipsaotearoa.org.nz/ 
• child brain development http://www.brainwave.org.nz/

Please you need to consider getting all this help so that your future, your relationship and your family will be a safe one.

I know that it can be done. 

I know that you want to be a SAFE MAN with a SAFE FAMILY

I know that you are determined to be a safe man.

Vic

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