Q:

I am just angry all the time

I really need help. I have grown up in an angry environment my whole life and now I am just angry all the time. 

I don't know why I am like this I just snap at everything and can't help myself. My partner can't handle it anymore and has asked me to leave his house. 

I don't want to be angry but my whole life revolves around anger and it's just getting worse. 

I feel crazy and I feel like I can't stop but I really don't want to do this anymore. 

I sit on my bed or in my car after I lose it and every time I think why the hell did I do/say what I just did. 

Please help I feel so alone it's crazy.


A:

Hallo, thank you for writing in.

You are not going crazy.

You are not alone.

Growing up your whole life in an angry environment means you have never been given, shown or taught the tools and skills to handle it when the pressure is on.

Do not worry - that is why this website is here so that people like us can help people like us.
After being a victim of violence for the first 16 years of my life until I ran away, I perpetrated violence on all and sundry including my family and friends. Violence was all I knew and I believed that it was the answer to everything.

It wasn't!

I believe I understand how you feel right now. That feeling of being alone and that no one else knows how you feel. You feel like you're going crazy cos you can't stop yourself getting angry and yet you don't want to get angry but there is nothing else there, there is no other answer.
You need to do what is best for you right now and the best for you is to not be in that house. Can you find alternative accommodation till you get sorted.

YOU can't handle getting angry all the time and your partner can't handle you getting angry.
Let's get one thing straight from the get go. Anger is a normal emotion. It's how you show that emotion that is the issue that needs to be dealt with.

When you grow up in a violent environment and it's all you know, it becomes normal, the behaviour becomes normal and you go back to it every time as you don't know anything else and that's where that feeling of going crazy comes in cos you don't know what else to do and unfortunately getting angry becomes your safety place.

There's an old saying:

"If you don't know what you don't know.

You will always do what you've always done.

And you will always get what you've always got."

Unfortunately that is where you are at right now. BUT you don't have to stay there in that angry place anymore. You have taken the first step by writing in.

IT'S ALL GOOD TO ASK FOR HELP!

Now ring 0800 456 450 get the number of the local stopping violence programme find out if you can join it, if you can and sign up for the next programme.

Let your partner know that you don't know why you always get angry the way you do and you are going to do something about it by moving out and signing into the next intake at the stopping violence programme.

Hopefully you can get his support.

If you feel like you are going to get angry try this: take 30 deep breaths, don't stay around to have an argument, make an agreement with yourself that as soon as you feel the anger coming on take a TIME OUT - you cannot stay and have and argument/fight. It's about changing the pattern.

Make a plan to go to a certain place for a specified time to think about what it is that is making you angry. You don't drink or take drugs when you take the time out, you don't call anyone unless it's someone from the stopping violence programme.

You go to this place for an agreed time, maybe 20 minutes, it could be going for a walk, a work out, sit at a park, go to the beach, go to the river, a field - find yourself a peaceful place.
I sat under a tree.

This peaceful place does a number of things:

• Gets you away from that environment
• Changes the pattern from what you normally do when you get angry
• Sets up a different way of dealing with getting angry
• You HAVE to think and reflect on what you are doing 
• You have to think about what it is that's making you angry
• Starts to set up a new way of behaving when you feel the anger rising.

It is very important that you ring the 0800 number and get the contact details of the local stopping violence programme and join the next intake.

You will not regret it and you will meet other people that are going through similar situations.
Stay strong my friend you are not crazy, it's just that you not been shown any other way.

Let me know how you get on especially if you can't find a programme to join.

Vic

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