Q:

I am feeling unloved and unrespected.

Hi Vic, I am in a partnership with a Filipino lady. I am struggling. I am feeling unloved and unrespected. I am trying to make it work. Two weeks ago we fought and I got angry. I threw things and broke things. This morning it nearly happened again. I feel ignored all the time. I feel she won’t make any changes, any compromises. After the last reconciliation it was ok for a few days, then back to the same ole same ole. I get angry inside. I have a reasonably stressful job. I am a recovering alcoholic - but have no plans to reopen the drinking book. I am also trying to quit smoking. But I (we) do need help. Any suggestions?


A:

There is a lot going on in your life! Straight up I can’t see "partnership" in what you have written in your question. Your partner is your partner - she's not there to change and compromise to meet your needs and demands.

Ok we know that throwing and breaking things and fighting didn't work SO LET’S NOT GO THERE AGAIN. K. Obviously this violent behaviour is not earning you the respect and love that you BELIEVE YOU DESERVE. You say that you get angry inside - YOU also get angry on the outside fighting, throwing and breaking things.

I was always angry inside, I literally saw RED cos I couldn't unravel the puzzle of what was going on and had real problems with communicating what my needs were and what I wanted and the associated feelings. I wanted all those things that you want and I tried and I tried and I tried but to no avail.

I didn't have the comprehension or understanding of what it was that I was going through. 
WHY WAS I NOT BEING HEARD?
WHY WAS I STRUGGLING?
WHY WAS I BEING IGNORED?
WHY WAS I NOT BEING APPRECIATED?
WHY WAS I NOT BEING RESPECTED?
WHAT IS LOVE?

My response was to get angry and smash, trash, thrash and bash AND IT GOT ME NOWHERE FAST.

What I needed was to get the tools and skills to fix ME first before I could ask or demand anything off anyone else.

Once I had got the tools and skills through the anger management programme that I attended I could see how the pieces all fitted together. I understood that my behaviour and mannerisms only got me negative reactions and responses, by getting the right learnings and modifying my behaviour, I could ask AND I could demand and openly communicate without having any negative feelings.

It took a lot of practice for me cos I had a big rubbish bag that I needed to empty out and replace, but I got there. THAT'S WHY I CAN DO THIS ME TO YOU.

Please seek out an anger management group in your area and do the programme and get the personal healing first. You can find out what’s available in your area by phoning 0800 456 450.

BRO nothing changes if nothing changes. You are a good person, for MAN(ing) UP and trying to sort out the life issues around the cause and effects of your violent behaviour.

Let’s get it under control YEAH, and get your life and partnership where it needs to be - violence free

Vic

 

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