Q:

How do I change?

Hi Vic, I am writing this to ask advice as to the verbal abuse. I had a heart attack a few months ago and had to take a step back for my then partner, we still see each other but I got grumpier at her and her kids. 

I pushed her away when my mum died a couple of months ago. 

It got to the point where I thought it better that I just stopped being there for her and the kids but that's when it hit me that she was my world. 

I fear it has gone too far as she is afraid of my anger, I never hit her but emotional does more damage.

I want to be a part of her life and the kids' life as I love them all so much it hurts when I don't see them or hear from her.

She had a few relationships where she and her eldest child were used as punching bags. 

I NEVER thought I would end up hurting her or the girls but I did.

What do I do and where do I go from here. How do I change?

What do I do now as I would love to be with her and be a dad for her kids but don't know what to do?

Please help.

 


A:

Hallo thank you for writing in - you're a good man writing in asking for help, most men just carry on with the abuse believing that they have the right to behave this way cos this is what being a man is all about...WRONG.

The first thing I believe we need to clear up is that verbal abuse is as bad as physical violence.
All forms of family violence are NOT ok!

Now from your email, there does not seem to be any communication with your partner.
I may be wrong but it sounds to me like you have made all the decisions on your own:

• I am writing this to ask advice as to the verbal abuse...
• I pushed her away when my mum died a couple of months ago...
• It got to the point where I thought it better...
• I just stopped being there ...
• I fear it has gone too far...
• I want to be a part ..
• I NEVER thought I would end up hurting her or the girls but I did...
• What do I do and where do I go from here...
• How do I change?....
• Would love to be with ....

Where is your partner in the equation of this relationship?

Where are the kids in the family set up?

How are you making all these decisions?

What does your partner think about what is going on?

If you are in a relationship and you make all these decisions on your own without talking with your partner it's another form of power and control.

YOU say that you love your partner and the kids. Do they love you and want you in their life?
You push them away but you want to have a relationship with them.

I believe that you only want the best for your partner and the kids and that when things get bad, you make the decision to take your not-so-nice self away from them, to give them space.

It's called isolating.

The proper way to do this is called TIMEOUT, but this is a process that is negotiated with the family, where you make a contract with the family that when things get heated and you get verbally abusive or they are afraid of you, that you leave. This gives yourself time to calm down and think about what is happening and what is upsetting the home.

YOU leave for a specified time. On your return you ask their permission if they now feel comfortable to have a family meeting about what is going on, with you.

While taking timeout there is to be no drinking, no drugging, no driving, no ringing up of mates and you go and return at the specified time.

IT IS A NEGOTIATED TIME TO BEGIN A PROCESS TO BRING HEALING TO THE FAMILY.

My friend the best thing that you could right now is to get yourself well and fully functioning.

In order to learn more about TIMEOUT and other tools and skills available to people like you and me ring 0800 456 450 and get the contact details of the local stopping violence programme and sign on asap, there may be a cost associated with joining.

It's a very small price to pay to get your life in order and to get your family back.

We men need to know and understand what family violence is, where it came from and how we have continued to perpetuate in the belief that we are supposed to, as men.

Be one of those real men and make the change for yourself.

People that know you and love you will notice the difference.

Vic

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