Q:

He's violent towards me and the children

Hi Vic, my partner and I have been together for over 11 years now. We met when we were only 16 years old. We now have four children. 

At first everything was great. I loved the guy with all my heart and still do. 

But he's violent towards me and the children. He grew up with an abusive dad and watched him beat up his mum at times. Now he's doing it to me. He hits me. I know I shouldn't swear at him but that's all it takes. My mental abuse will result in him physically abusing me. 

I've recently moved back in with my mum because we argue and fight too much. The children don't deserve to see that. I want to break the cycle... but I also want to be with him still. I know I may sound crazy but I love him very much but want him to get help. I'm getting sick of hearing that he'll change but he hasn't and I'm getting sick of him saying I'm to blame. I know in my heart I'm good to him. 

This is the first time I've attempted to get outside help (apart from family) and I just want him to realise that I love him very much but want this vicious cycle to stop! 

In order to be together as a happy family, this is what needs to be done.


A:

Hello, Thank you for writing in with your question.

He is a perpetrator of family violence and abuse and this is not OK! I suggest you ring the Police. Ringing the Police on him for your safety and the safety of the children is actually the best help for him and in the long run for you and the kids.

He needs to be out of the house and enrolled on a family violence programme and leave you and the kids at the house.

You could also get a protection order taken out on him.

I realise and acknowledge the love you have for him.

You don't have to put up with his violence and abusive behaviour anymore and if this is a relationship that he wants then he has to do some work on himself and not just talk about it.

Eleven years is too long a time to have to put up with this behaviour and him constantly saying that he will change but doesn't

He can get help and it's available for him at the stopping family violence programmes, hopefully this is that time that he will man up and go and get that help.

He can ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details of the local stopping violence programme.

If you need to get to a safe place apart from your family please ring the Women's Refuge 0800 733 843 and make a plan to get to a safe place.

No matter how much you love your partner or how long you have been together he cannot and will not change till he can accept that he is a violent person, that what he is doing to you and the kids and to himself is Not OK, and get help.

He will not wake up one morning from a good night's sleep and suddenly be a totally transformed man free from violence and abuse.

As you say, "He grew up with an abusive dad and watched him beat up his mum at times". This is the modelling and mentoring that he knows, which would be enforced and reinforced by his peer group and the media, music, movie, internet games etc.

His answer for dealing with all the pressures, problems, no matter how small or how big, will be with violence and abuse. He needs to be a SAFE MAN.

The best help you can give him even though it may not seem like it right now is to get him into a stopping violence programme so that he can come face to face with himself with the other men that attend these groups.

He is not alone in this journey although it may seem like it and it will be the hardest journey to take as the programme makes you face yourself and the triggers or causes of the violence.

Once he is a SAFE MAN then he will know how to keep his family safe.

This will break the curse of family violence that he would have got from his father.

How to be a safe family will be the legacy you both pass on to your children.

I believe this is what you want for you and your partner now and for your children when they grow up and form relationships.

It's OK to ask for help!

It would be great if he could make contact with me and I will help him as best I can through this online service or refer him to people who can help.

The safety of yourself and the children is paramount. I cannot stress this strongly enough.

Make sure that you are all safe first.

When you are away from the negative, violent, abusive environment hopefully, with help, you will be able to think more clearly and make the right decisions.

Your partner needs to come to that realisation for himself and take responsibility for his actions of the past, get help and realign his future.

Vic

← Back to Ask Vic