Q:

He's angry over such small things

Hi Vic, I have been with the father of two of my kids for five years now. About two months after we started dating, his grandparents were killed in a car accident by a texting driver. 

I'm bringing that up because I think that's when it started.
When he's good he is amazing and such a good dad. But more often he's angry over such small things. He flips! When he gets real angry he yells at the kids (two years and six months). He's very intimidating with his voice.

When I cop it, which averages one to two times a week he gets real mad and calls me bitch and f**k up/off stupid and mutters a lot under his breath. But when he loses it about two times a month I have been called a slut, told to f**k off. When I say I'm going to leave the house to get away I get told if I leave he hopes I get raped, calls me a dog and he has also wished me dead to name a few. 

Don't get me wrong – after five years I no longer just take it. I argue back. But never say such things he says to me! 

I love him so much but I think he needs some help. He's just too stubborn to ask. The last five years have taken their toll and I'm now on Fluoxetine (Prozac) daily as I was so low from being run down all the time. 

He has one to three Woodstocks daily and also smokes (green) which I've asked him to start by eliminating drink first to see if that is the trigger. But it still hasn't happened. Also, is weed addictive? He says it's not yet he needs it daily.

Please give me some advice on how to help him. Thank you.

 


A:

Hallo thank you for writing in.

Your situation is intolerable, you and the children must no longer live under all this pressure just for one man that cannot and will not do anything about his situation but be violent and abusive and smoke weed and drink alcohol.

Five years is a long time to put up with this behaviour in your relationship and the fact that you have to take medication is a clear indication that things are not right.

He has ABSOLUTELY no right to treat you and your children this way and you do not have to put up with it any longer.

If the death of his grandparents is the catalyst of the violence, he cannot put that on you all.

He needs to get help.

Self-medicating with alcohol, drugs and violence is his way to excuse himself from reality. This excuse and escape will get worse the longer he relies on the drugs and alcohol. There are serious consequences with alcohol and drug taking. Your partner needs to get help for his situation.

He can get this help by ringing our information line on 0800 456 450 and getting the contact details for a stopping violence programme. When he has joined up he can get one-on-one counselling and also get help for drugs and alcohol. It is going to be very hard for him to hear what you have to say or to accept that anything you say is of any worth.

If the violence continues you need to get out of there. IMMEDIATELY.

Ring the Police if this violence and abuse continues. The verbal violence and abuse is as bad as the physical violence. You can phone 111 or phone your local police station and ask for the Family Violence Coordinator, they will be able to help.

SAFETY PLAN

You could contact the Women's Refuge and make a safety plan so that you and the children are safe from all this.

Your children deserve to be brought up in a safe environment free from all forms of violence and abuse and full of love and care from their parents. You both need to be well and healthy in order for that to happen. Your babies are picking up and learning from all that is happening around them. You can find out more at this website what being in a violent household does to babies' and children's brainshttp://www.brainwave.org.nz/

First thing is to get yourself and your babies to a safe place by either getting to the Women's Refuge or if he leaves, gets help and returns when he is a safe man prepared to raise a safe family.

I cannot stress enough the need for you and your babies to be safe.

The ideal is that he leaves the home, stays somewhere else while he gets help for his violence and abuse, drugs and alcohol and is allowed home supervised by the stopping violence programme and a programme coordinator and that he has peer support from the programme.

This way you are safe to continue to live in the family home.

I hope this helps.

I would love to be able to talk with Mr. He can make contact with me the same way you have through this website.

Please let me know how you get on.

Vic

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