Q:

He yells at me constantly

Hi Vic, I have been with my husband for 11 years and we have an 18 month old daughter together. From the first day I have been physically and emotionally supportive of his businesses but he has always kept all of "his" money in a Trust account, including the house which I helped pay the mortgage on for 6 years.

While I had my own career I would spend weekends working with him without a return.
I am not working now but am a stay at home mum by choice. My husband is a self-made millionaire. We still have separate accounts and he will only transfer $150 a week for me to purchase groceries, prepay phone and petrol, including baby needs. If we have an argument he will cancel this bank transfer as punishment. If this happens and he is out of town I am stuck without petrol and have to beg him for money to buy items like nappies.

When our daughter was born we moved from the city to the country so I don't have access to support like friends and services anymore. I have to beg for a haircut for example. He constantly belittles me and tells me how stupid I am, in front of our daughter. He yells at me constantly, telling me how useless I am. I am solely responsible for all the cooking and cleaning in the house.

He demands sex and will not show any intimacy or affection towards me. If I say no because the lack of emotion does nothing for me, he will punish me by withholding things like money or cancelling social events. If I comply, it feels like rape. He has physically forced himself on me a few times.

He is not violent but there has been one time he dragged me outside by the back of my neck. Apart from how he treats me in front of our daughter, he is a very devoted father. 
He doesn't get up during the night of course but he spends most of his free time interacting with her, playing, reading etc. They love each a lot.

I don't want to either separate them and I can't bear the thought of spending time away from her during custody rights if we separated. Not to mention, how do finance leaving him? I feel stuck between a rock and hard place. Ultimately I wish he would seek counselling.


A:

Hallo, thank you for writing in.

I find it very interesting your email and what you have written above. It kind of says it all for me. I will cut straight to it.

In my opinion your husband is practising some of the worst family violence that I know of - he is using power and control over finances and sex; using psychological and mental abuse; withholding affection and love - and these are just the few that I can get from your email.

All this FAMILY VIOLENCE IS NOT OK! Thank you for ASKING FOR HELP.

You are not a business proposition that you get the most out of for the lowest possible price.

I suggest you keep a journal or keep a list of all that he has done, keep this journal in a safe place where your husband cannot get to it. Go back as long as you possibly can with receipts, emails, texts etc etc etc, as evidence for the future.

This behaviour needs to be feared: 
• he only transfers $150 a week for me to purchase groceries
• he demands sex
• If I comply, it feels like rape 
• he will cancel this bank transfer as punishment
• I have to beg him for money to buy items like nappies
• I don't have access to support like friends and services anymore
• he dragged me outside by the back of my neck
• I have to beg for a haircut
• he constantly belittles me and tells me how stupid I am, in front of our daughter
• he yells at me constantly telling me how useless I am
• he will not show any intimacy or affection towards me
• he will punish me by withholding things like money or cancelling social events
• he has physically forced himself on me a few times
• I am solely responsible for all the cooking and cleaning in the house
• he doesn't get up during the night
• I feel stuck between a rock and hard place.

YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER NEED AS MUCH HELP AS POSSIBLE.

Your situation will get worse and he will become more dangerous the longer he gets away with this violent behaviour.

Not only is your husband a self-made millionaire. He is also a self-made PERPETRATOR OF FAMILY VIOLENCE. A man of his standing and status will find it very hard to accept that he is a violent person BUT he definitely is.

I know of men from similar backgrounds that practice the same type of family violence and do not believe that a stopping violence programme is for them. TRUST ME, they need the programme as much as I did.

NOW your safety and the safety of your 18 month old daughter is paramount. You say your husband is a very devoted father. But he is teaching your daughter that it is ok to treat women like this and that when she grows up this is how men should treat her.

This is what HE is modelling!

STOP IT NOW!

Contact Women's Refuge in your area as soon as you possibly can. Ring them or email them and make plans to get out of there, as his violence will only get worse.

Women's Refuge has capacity and capabilities and experience to help you and your daughter be SAFE and get to a SAFE place where you can think clearly to make a good decision on what to do next. Making a good decision will not happen while you are still living in that environment.

How to finance yourself and your daughter can be sorted through Women's Refuge, they can help with this.

Your husband needs to come to terms with his power and control and the fact that he is a perpetrator of FAMILY VIOLENCE. He can get help if he wants it, he can ring 0800 456 450 and find a stopping violence programme in the area and sign up.

If he wants I would love to have contact with him and he can get a hold of me through this website. I believe it would best that you NOT inform him of these options till you are clear of the house.

There is not that much you can do while you are still living in that house. Nothing of what is happening to you is your fault - nothing.

Vic

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