Q:

He won’t listen to me when I tell him it’s wrong.

My hubby and I have been married for over 10 years, and have two wonderful kids. I've been noticing over the last year or so, that he is starting to put the kids down and calling them names. He doesn't see anything wrong with this, and won’t listen to me when I tell him it’s wrong. What should I do?


A:

Hi thank you for your question.

Putting the children down and calling them names, from my personal experience, is the first indication that there is something wrong - AND you already know this because you've noticed the change in hubby's behaviour.

"He doesn't see anything wrong with this and won't listen to me when I tell him it's wrong."

What you've described above is serious. 1. that he cannot see that this behaviour is violence in the form of verbal abuse and put downs; 2. that he won't listen to you when you tell him it's wrong; and 3. a year is far too long to 'notice'.

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT IT IS WRONG. Name calling and putting down kids is WRONG!

I would be interested to know what 'hubby's' childhood was like when he was the same age as YOUR two wonderful kids...

Now that I'm an adult I can look back and recall incidents in my life that had caused me to have life beliefs that determined how children should behave and how I was to discipline them.

ALL THOSE BELIEFS WERE WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

It was learnt behaviour of power and control taught to me by adults when I was a kid and it only taught me to hate the people that called me these names or who put me down.

"IT'S NOT OK" to put the kids down and call them names. IT'S NEVER OK to put the kids down and call them names.

UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME

It was not until I was an adult when I attended an anger management group and got counselling, that I was given the knowledge and skills to be able to understand that this is an act of violence and that I needed to get help to deal effectively with this abuse, to change from the abusive behaviour and to not ever do it again and knowing what to replace it with and when and how to enact these new 'gifts'.

I thought it was my right to call my children names and yell at them and put them down and make them do what I wanted them to do.

When my family eventually got to the safe space to be able to share their thoughts with me about my behaviour IT BROKE ME to hear them say that they loved me BUT they were scared that at any time I could explode with name calling, put downs, swearing at them, then eventually bashing them

ALL BECAUSE I WANTED THINGS DONE MY WAY!

It's OK to ask for help. Check out this website, get some info, do some research, ring up a counsellor for children or families.

Check out this website http://www.occ.org.nz for this publication - Choose to Hug - it will give you some tips.

Vic 

 

 

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