Q:

He really scares me

Me and my partner have been together nearly four years and have five kids between us including three under six. Lately he has been quite angry and smashes my things, gets in my face, bruises me, threatens to kill himself and threatens to take my son. If I try to talk to him he just says I'm winding him up. Any questions including asking for help with house duties, it always winds him up. I love him so much but I don't want to be like this anymore, it's making my bipolar worse, I'm never happy anymore. I don't feel like I could ever leave him, he really scares me sometimes, but I also really love him, sometimes I think I'm just making it up. What should I do?


A:

Hallo. Thank you for taking the time to write in.

Oh my goodness you and the kids are in a very unsafe situation right now. Everything he's doing is family violence, the physical, the verbal, the threatening, the power and control, all of it!

My advice is to DIAL 111. Ring the Police and get him out of there when this violence happens again.

There are things that are making your partner angry and it seems from what you have written the only way that he can communicate what is going on in his head, is to blame you, smash things, make threats to take your son, threaten to kill himself, do very little around the house to help and then says that you're trying to wind him up.

Getting angry is a normal emotion BUT to take the actions that he's taking is NOT OK! He absolutely has no idea how to keep you and the family safe. He is practicing power and control. He needs help to realise how his behaviour impacts on you and the kids.

BUT he is out of control. He is dangerous right now. He needs to get help by getting the contact details for a local stopping violence programme, and join it and get his negative behaviour sorted.
HE needs to do this NOT you.

The safety and peace in the family home is the most important thing for you and the wellbeing and the future of the kids.

HE is the creator of this mayhem - HE needs to get out of there, get help, get knowledge and healing before HE can return back to the family home. If he can't or won't get help then he loses the right to be in the home.

He needs to know IT'S OK TO ASK FOR HELP! I am here to help him through this phase. He has to man up and be a man for you and his kids! This is what being a man is really all about - keeping the home a safe place.

NOW

If he doesn't make a change, like signing in to a stopping violence programme and moving out till he gets himself sorted and begins the journey to be a SAFE man.

THEN

I need for you to make contact with Women's Refuge and make the arrangements with them to get yourself and the kids SAFE and into a safe place until it's SAFE to go back home.

https://womensrefuge.org.nz/WR/Contact-us/Contact-Us.htm
Crisis line: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843.

Home will only be SAFE when he changes and maintains the changes for life OR he doesn't change, he leaves and you and the kids grow up safe and free of family violence.

YOU and the KIDS deserve it. It is your right and the kids' right to live a family violence free life. The preference is that this life is together with your partner as a family.

Here to help.

Vic

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