Q:

He gets really angry

Hi Vic. I have been with my partner for almost two years and he is the father our 13 month old son. I also have an 8 year old son from a previous relationship.

Anyway he gets really angry at things sometimes, he'll throw, kick, punch things, he yells I think excessively at us if he gets really angry with us. He has never hurt any of us physically.

A couple of weeks ago he was play fighting with our 8 year old and accidentally hurt him, the 8 year old yelled out in his face and he said to him ‘if you ever yell in my face again I will break your f-----g jaw'!! I know this cos my son came running to me scared and told me.

I've tried telling him a few times he has anger management issues but he doesn't think there is anything wrong. I work every night for 4.5 hours and I worry what he'll say to our 8 year old.

I told him just today that he has to get help by Friday or I'm leaving and taking the kids with me. I don't know what more to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


A:

Hallo, thank you for writing in.

He has HURT you verbally, it does not matter whether it is verbal or physical, it is still family violence and abuse. HE is a true genuine perpetrator of family violence that he would threaten your 8 year old son with violence ‘if you ever yell in my face again I will break your f-----g jaw'!!'

I hate to say it but YOU ARE absolutely right to give him an ultimatum with a deadline.

This truly indicates that you will stand up for yourself and the children, showing to him that his behaviour, which is violent and abusive, will not be tolerated and yours and their safety is paramount and that in order for him to be part of the family he has to get some help for his family violence.

I would prefer that HE leaves the house and lives somewhere else till he gets free from the violence and abuse and is safe to be around you and the babies.

Why should you have to leave the house he is the one making the home unsafe? If he was a real man he would man up, get out, get help and get sorted. Unfortunately there is no men's shelter/place/refuge that is a safe place for men to check into where they can address their issue with family violence.

If he rings 0800 456 450 he can find the contact details for a stopping violence programme in the area, he needs to contact them and join the programme. He may even need to leave the house till he admits that he has a problem and is on the journey of being safe around you, your baby and son.

Then and only then, when you and the facilitators of the stopping violence programme are satisfied with his progress of becoming a safe man, can he be allowed to be near the children.

Sounds harsh I know but we need to ensure that you and your babies are going to be safe. I'm sure this is what you both want.

It would be great if your partner can go through the programme. Bottom line is YOU and the BABIES have to be in a safe home with a SAFE man. This at the moment is not possible.

Keep yourself and the babies safe. Hope this helps, stay in touch.

Vic

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