Faces of the Campaign
These four men appeared in the Campaign's television commercials, sharing their personal stories of change. Vic, George and Brian tell how they became violence free and healed their families. Alfred shares his story of intervening in a family violence situation.
Faces of the Campaign
"It was a relief when the violence was exposed - no more hiding, no more lying..."
Brians Story
Choosing a New Rule Book
"Get some help or we'll call the Police."
This was the ultimatum Brian Gardner's friends gave him the day after he assaulted his first wife.
"Looking back, those friends calling me on my behaviour was one of the most loving, caring things anyone has ever done for me.
"I had taken my wife home the night before and when she didn't do what I wanted her to do I tried to make her - she wouldn't get out of the car so I dragged her out of the car and tried to strangle her.
"Friends called the next day. My wife had two black eyes and had spent a night in hospital. That's when my friends gave me the ultimatum. They knew what I'd done and they weren't letting me get away with it.
"I believed she should do what I told her to do. It was the same when we argued, if I felt I was losing the argument or losing control, I'd hit her.
"It was a relief when the violence was exposed - no more hiding, no more lying."
Brian had to accept that he was violent even though he didn't fit the stereotype.
"At first I couldn't accept it, I wasn't the type. My family and a lot of my friends couldn't accept it. It was hard for my Mum to accept it.
"We hide our violence. A lot of it's verbal and emotional abuse which I know now often feels even worse than the physical violence because it attacks a person's spirit, their sense of worth.
"I see now that I made a decision to use violence, it was a choice, and I could make a different decision. I didn't go to work and smack my boss or go to the pub and smack my mates, but I would hit this person I loved - through insecurity or jealously or wanting some sort of control of my life.
"To stop using violence I needed a new rule book. I had grown up believing that as a male I was entitled to be treated in particular ways and that if I wasn't I was justified in using violence to get what I wanted.
"I needed to examine my attitudes, my rule book, and also decide what kind of a man I wanted to be."
Brian's marriage didn't survive, but his second relationship of 18 years has been violence free. His sons will grow up with a different rule book.