15 Sep 2008
Hey, I’ve never been abused by my parents but I’ve seen it happen to my aunty in front of her children and grandchildren. So I’m just wondering what made you hit your partner and children? Because there was no answer going through my head when I sat there watching my aunty be smashed by my uncle and for their children and grandchildren to be watching really affected the way they acted. Luckily my cousins aren’t stupid and have already said they would never treat a woman like my uncle treated my aunty. Thanks... na te atua e manaaki ia matou katoa
Firstly congratulations to your parents for bringing you up without abuse and violence and I am sorry that you and your whanau had to experience it through what you saw from your uncle.
My simple answer - I didn't know any better.I grew up in an environment in central and South Auckland where there was lots violence that was called DISCIPLINE or LOVE:
· in the home
· in all the schools I went to
· at church
· on the street
· the Police.
<>I WAS NEVER taught or learnt the ways of dealing with issues, problems and the pressures of raising my family as a young parent/father. <>
<>I DID LEARN to bash though - NOT GOOD.<>
I HAD LITTLE OR NO conversation or discussion skills. I would hit first and ask NO questions later.
<>In the environment that I grew up in the 50s, 60s and 70s it was normal amongst the kids that I knew and grew up with to get a hiding and when we got together we would compare the damage done to our bodies.
<>THIS IS what I took into my own marriage and family when I was quite young. <>After I went to the anger management programme I gained the skills to beable to deal with my anger without trashing, bashing, crashing and smashing.
I have since learnt to uncover, recover, and discover using the skills I had picked up from the STOP programme and over the last 15 years made sure that I continue to use the tools to keep myself violence free.
<>THE ANSWER FOR ME WAS THE FAMILY VIOLENCE PROGRAMMES - ACCEPT THE HELP TO BE VIOLENCE FREE AND MAKE IT WORK!I hope this gives you some clarity and remember this is my story and may differ to other men.
<><>I try to do my best! <>
<><>Thank you for your question <>
Vic.
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
... Read the answer
04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer