08 Sep 2010
My daughter has just advised this afternoon that she was hit in the head twice by her partner while she was holding her baby last night and had cold water thrown in her face and told to cool off. Of course her mother and I are really worried for her safety and have told her to leave him and call the police. We have told her to bring herself and the kids over to our house and stay with us until the Police decide on what to do with him. However she has declined to move in with us and declined to call the police instead she feels that she is partly the cause for his violence because she punched him and yelled at him. She also feels that she does not want to be the cause of a failed relationship and does not want to be a statistic. I know she is confused right now and my wife and I don't know what else to do and feel that we can't act unless she wants us to. I'm angry that he has done this to my daughter and in front of their 3 children. I know that further violence is not the answer, but to see my daughter in that state makes us both angry. I have given her some phone numbers for help but still feel angry at what he's done to my daughter and grandchildren. This in my eyes has been building and my wife and I have noticed for a while that his attitude towards her and the children has changed in a disturbing way over the last 2 years. I am sure he has done this before and my daughter has not told us about it .What can my wife and I do? Please help.
Hallo and thank you for taking the time to make contact.
My advice is DON'T take the law in to your own hands, call the Police yourself. Your daughter's partner has no right to hit her, you have evidence from her that he has hit her twice in the head.
You are absolutely right, further family violence is not the answer, it's good that you are asking for help. Contact local organisations you know of, or you can phone our information line on 0800 456 450 and find out what other local services are available to you.
Do not feel powerless to help your daughter and your grand children, you have Police, family violence prevention organisations and me that you can contact to intervene in this situation on your behalf.
Your daughter's partner's behaviour needs to be stopped and his violence addressed appropriately. Your daughter will also need help and support and that is where family violence services can come in to play by providing a safe place for your daughter and grandchildren, while they get the help to resolve their situation.
The cycle of violence has to be stopped.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
