31 Aug 2010
Hi Vic,
I'm a mid-30s male from the UK and moved to NZ in 2009 to be with my Wellington raised girlfriend of three years. I come from a broken home, never knew my dad, my mum who I don't speak to has been a drug addict most of her life, I was mentally and physically abused by various family and friends. Was put into foster care aged 7 until I left home aged 17, my foster parents never loved me and were quite strict even though I was a quiet, introverted kid. Since moving to NZ, things haven't been too easy. I've had trouble finding a job and have been feeling very isolated and lonely as I don't really know anybody plus my girlfriend is studying at university and just seems busy all the time. We've had some drunken fights in the past resulting in me either grabbing or shoving her, something I really regret to the point that I now barely drink at all (I've never been much of a drinker anyway). I've now found a pretty good job which I'm due to start next week and I'm looking forward to meeting new people and actually earning some decent money. This last few days though, we've had some blazing arguments and I'm worried that this is going to get worse when things should be getting better for us. At the moment we share a house with four other people, some of who are quite inconsiderate to others. Noise at all times, bringing drunken obnoxious mates back from the pub for an impromptu party etc and I've been feeling quite anxious about it all to the point that we are looking to move to somewhere more to our liking. I love my girlfriend very much and know she loves me too. I apologise to her for when I'm irritable and snappy as I know how it makes her feel as whenever she's in the same kind of mood I feel uneasy and on edge. Whenever we do argue and shout, my girlfriend is still upset a few days after when I think it's all been done and dusted and I'm made to feel like it's my fault when it's not always mine. I feel arguments are good to a point and to clear the air every now and again but don't think I deserve all the blame. I should point out that I was seeing a counsellor back in the UK as I had a "nervous breakdown" about five years ago due to me burying my childhood until it came bubbling to the surface and felt I was going crazy. Also, despite my girlfriend having lovely parents, her mum does shout and swear at my girlfriend, her sister (both mid-20s) and her dad when she gets angry. I hope this message makes some sense and you can hopefully help me and my girlfriend.
Thanks.
Hi, thank you for taking the time to send in your email.
Your email and life journey makes complete sense to me and I understand the feeling when you get irritable, snappy, uneasy and on edge. NOT a good headspace/ situation to be in, especially when you are to start a new job and having the expectations that life is going to get better and yet you're having arguments and fights with you partner.
LIFE IS LIKE THAT Graham. I know I don't need to tell you that!
BUT
DON'T take it out on your partner...she is probably just as frustrated as you are.
Let LOVE reign in your lives.
There sure is a lot going on in your lives at the moment and it needs to de-escalate.
There are things that you can do asap:
- Get started in your new job and get yourself a good work history, make some money, pay some bills and look after yourself and your partner - congratulations by the way on your new job
Get out of that place and find new accommodation for yourself and your partner. The accommodation you're in is not conducive to building a good relationship between you and your partner and the ongoing situation there will continue to create havoc and frustration for you both
You've already taken the steps to stop drinking and as you say you've never been much of a drinker anyway, so continue on with that. If you don't drink then don't drink, your life's complicated enough as it is.
There is nothing wrong with having arguments as long as it doesn't turn to violence.
There are tools and skills that you will need to stop the arguments from turning to violence. I do not know many people that have gotten these tools and skills by themselves. These tools and skills have to be learned.
Alcohol free is a good first step to being violence free.
FAMILY VIOLENCE IS NOT OK
In terms of the ‘grabbing, shoving her' ‘blazing arguments' you will need to address these issues by making contact with a local agency that deals with stopping family violence. If you ring 0800 456 450 they will tell you how to get in touch with a local organization who can help you.
IT'S OK TO ASK FOR HELP
Making contact with these agencies I am hoping that you will get to join a programme that can help you to understand the ‘cycle of violence', its impact on you and how it impacts on those close to you.
You will also learn the tools and skills to be able to handle stressful situations. Hopefully you will also be able to get some one on one counselling to help heal the issues from the past to reset your directions into the future.
There is not much you can do about the situation with your girlfriend's family. You have to get help for yourself, understand your own situation and get your self well. This is the only way you can help anyone else
MAKE THE CHANGE FOR YOURSELF
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
