11 Aug 2010
Growing up in a very dysfunctional Samoan family, there was lots of anger, criticism and being unfairly treated because of gender. Coming back from Australia to get some desperate help for my mental illness and then being verbally and physically confronted by my family about money issues was the last straw for me. Trying the Samoan way of getting help, I decided to get the local Samoan priest of our local parish involved as a mediator; instead he was also criticising and making excuses for my dad's violent behaviour. I feel no shame in getting the police involved and to this day, my father is still very angry because his pride is more important than his family. I have moved on and am enjoying life as I have every right to. It's no ok to use bullying tactics to control another person. I've learnt to use boundaries and be assertive.
Hallo ‘Growing up in a very dysfunctional Samoan family'.
Well done for recognizing that what was being done to you, both inside the family and when you reached out for help, was not right. This strength and wisdom will sustain and maintain you on your life journey of being free of family violence.
It is hard growing up in ANY family that is dysfunctional and uses bullying tactics to control another person.
It is sad that when you reach out for help along cultural and spiritual lines that the help is not there or that help does not meet your need and is more of the same abuse.
There is no shame in wanting to be free from family violence, no matter what relationship that person is to you. It is good that you have gained skills to help you move on.
Remember that you can always ring the Campaign information line on 0800 456 450 to get local contact numbers of counsellors and organizations that can provide you more understanding around family violence. Please take the opportunity to further increase your healing to continue to move on.
My experience is that the issues of violence from my past had a way of catching up on me and impacting on the way that I developed relationships.
Be good to yourself and treat yourself to all the help that you can. You certainly deserve to move on, enjoy life, and have the right to be free safe from family violence.
Family Violence Is Not Ok. It is Ok to Ask for Help.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
