I think that you are a very brave and wise young man. I could not, at 20, do what you are doing by sending this email and asking for help. I had no awareness at the time, that what I was doing was even a problem, I believed that the family violence I was doing was normal.

So big upps to you brother!!

I know you already know this, but I am going to say it anyway, Family Violence is not Ok, but it is Ok to do what you are doing - asking for help!

There is help for you and your girlfriend, don't go through this alone. Your girlfriend needs your love, care and support. You can best help her, after you get help for yourself.

Love yourself and get the help that you need, in order to love and support your girlfriend.

It is the same for your girlfriend, she will need to get that help for herself.

My 20 year old friend there is no easy answer.

This violence is cunning and baffling until you can get to the place that provides you the understanding of what you are going through. Definitely there are life issues that need to be taken care of.

You are absolutely right when you say ‘don't know what to do'. How can you when you have never been shown or mentored on the ‘right thing to do?'

As men we have always been told to ‘handle it' and when we are confronted with major life issues, like you are facing at the moment WE DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT WE ARE SUPPOSED TO DO!
Go figger!

You have every right to be angry at the fact that your dad went to prison when you were two for murder. What is not right is how you're dealing with it BUT it is not your fault that you are handling it all wrong. You have to find out what it is that is making you angry.
You have described some of them.

What needs to happen is that you get yourself to a programme or counsellor so that you can talk about what is going on in your head and they can give you tools and skills that will help you understand what is going on.

As a kid I got a hiding and this hiding was called discipline and love.
As an adult I believed that I was entitled to give other people a hiding.
As a child, getting a hiding was normal, we all got a hiding.
As an adult I would give people and my family a hiding because I thought I had that right.

As an adult I attended a stopping family violence programme.
As an adult I attended counselling.
As an adult I got a lot of help.

If you ring 0800 456 450 you can get the contact details for organisations in your area that can provide the help that you need. You girlfriend can also get help for self harming.

As my wife and I found out, the best way through all the damage that had happened in our lives was to do it together, so we got help independent of each other and together and with our kids.

I am here my friend when you need to talk some more.

Vic

Other Ask Vic Questions

02 Feb 2012
Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.

I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.

Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.

At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.

Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.

I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?

... Read the answer

25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.

I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.

Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.

We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.

I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.

... Read the answer

18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer