19 Jul 2010
Kia Ora Vic,.I need to know what is the best way to approach the subject of getting help to a partner who is in denial. Admittedly, he hasn't actually beaten any of us yet, but he is verbally abusive and breaks things and uses heaps of put downs towards myself and my children. I just don't know how to bring it up without it ending up in an argument. Thanks heaps for your time Vic, I look forward to hearing from you.
Kia ora. Thank you for your email.
Family violence is all the things that you have said that your partner does: ‘verbally abusive and breaks things and uses heaps of put downs towards myself and my children'.
This is the cycle of family violence and until the cycle is broken it will continue.
The way that we were brought up as kids gave us all a set of beliefs and truths and as we grow up a lot of these beliefs get reinforced and are the things that we grow up and live by.
When certain situations come up in our lives we go back to these sets of beliefs to handle these situations. The way that we deal with these situations may not be the right ones or the right way but it is all that we know. We have not been shown any other way.
As I was growing up I was the victim of all forms of abuse and violence from my home, school, church and on the streets. When I had my family I chose to give my kids a hiding different to what was done to me
BUT
the discipline that I dished out was still violent and abusive. My core belief was that violence was ok.
At the stopping violence programme I attended in 1992, I was given the knowledge that the core beliefs that I grew up with which triggered this abusive and violent behavior were wrong.
That to put down, name call, intimidate, break things, smash the house, were the same as physical violence, just another form.
I recommend that you ring 0800 456 450 to get the phone number of the local agency that provides stopping violence programmes so that you can get the knowledge. With this knowledge and the support of the agency an approach can be made to your partner to seek the help and gain the knowledge that Family Violence is Not Ok but it is Ok to ask for Help.
Attending and completing the stopping violence programme, getting the knowledge, tools and the skills and putting them into action over the last 15+ years has saved my family from me, my abuse and violence.
Please ring the 0800 number, stop the family violence on you and your children.
Life changes for the better it really does!
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
