02 Jul 2010
Hello Vic, My daughter is a victim of family violence. Her partner has been an abused child and violence is a way of life. The family violence issue has been addressed and I am pleased to say results have been positive, however due to a child being involved my daughter has temporarily lost custody of my grand child. I do not deem her partner a lost cause, I know he loves her and I hold such hope for them as a family. My question is, is there hope for them to redeem themselves be reformed and live a normal stable life and does the system make this possible instead of just dividing families.
Hi and thank you for writing in.
The simple and easy answer to your question is - YES there is hope. But with this hope comes a lot of hard work to redeem and reform in order to live a normal stable life.
Don't be a downer on the ‘system', the system is doing the best it can in a very trying, often violent situation and has to consider the safety and best interests of all those involved. If, as you say, family violence has been a history for both your daughter and her partner those are all mitigating factors that the ‘system' has to consider in its final decision.
Dividing the family is not their first priority. SAFETY is - especially when there is a young person/s involved.
Let me suggest that you contact 0800 456 450 to get help in your local area. Get the contact details of local organisations they will walk with you on this journey.
Your daughter and her partner have a lot of work to do to, as you say to ‘redeem themselves, be reformed and live a normal stable life'. It will happen but they need to uncover, discover and recover from the curse of family violence which needs to be whole and complete to be sustainable. This needs to be done selfishly for their personal wellbeing as individuals and as parents of your grandchild.
I would be only too happy to share the story of my family and the journey of my life of family violence with them if that will help. The issue of family violence is never an issue to deal with as an individual and is worse when there is a child involved.
Please in some way let your daughter, her partner and grandchild know that I am thinking of them and want only the best for them.
WHEN THERE ARE NO MORE PERPETRATORS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE THERE WILL BE NO MORE VICTIMS OF FAMILY VIOLENCE
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
