03 May 2010
Hi, I have a 19 year old son who has anger issues and has resorted to violence. He has agreed to get help. Where do I start? He is living with me at present and has a strong desire to change. Please advise. Many thanks.
Hi, I can feel frustration when you say ‘Where do I start'? I am assuming from ‘He has agreed to get help' that the two of you have talked about his anger issues and his use of violence.
Good on your 19 year old, for someone at such a young age to acknowledge that he has ‘anger issues and has resorted to violence'. This is a major for one so young.
The best that you can do is support your son as he goes through the healing process.
I truly appreciate the love, concern and support you have for your son. You are a blessed woman and mother.
Your son needs to follow through on his desire to change and phone our information line 0800 456 450 to find out what help is available. He needs to give them a call and enrol for the next programme. He needs to attend the next programme. He needs to attend and complete the programme.
He has the issues.
Took a year for the message that Family Violence is not OK, to get through to my head....
Here is my message to your 19 year old son - you the man. I was in my late 30s before I came to the same realization you have at 19...you the man. Take it to the next level and make the call.
This journey is a real personal one, that often we as men don't want to share with too many others, that's what makes the anger management programme a necessary but painful healing process.
It really don't matter what your peers think of you. What you think and do is critical in your life!
Violence was a major part of my life. When I enrolled on the anger management programme I never let anyone know except my immediate family, thought that it was shameful. NOW the whole world knows!
I still apply the tools and skills since completing the programme.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
