21 Apr 2010
Whenever I get angry, I take it out on my fiancé. I have recently started slapping him. It happens when I'm angry, and don't know I'm going to do it until it's already happened. He wants to leave me, and although this is not what I want, I can't really blame him. How can I change my thinking and hopefully keep my fiancé?
Hallo ‘how can I change my thinking and hopefully keep my fiance?'
Let's start with the positive eh!
You can change. You really can!
Bottom line, it's not about keeping your fiancé. It's about you getting well.
Contact our information line on 0800 456 450 to find the local contacts that can point you in the right direction to an anger management programme. Women's Refuge in your area would also be a good place to start.
That is what you need - to come to terms that anger in your life is a problem and find out the causes of the anger and some tools and skills to be able to handle it in the future.
My violence, I thought, came out of nowhere. Wrong! I had serious issues growing up as a kid, being brought up in a violent environment. I had no idea how serious these issues had impacted on me, how they ran every part of my life, my thinking, my relationships and how I perceived violence as the answer to all my ills.
There was no answer in violence. Family Violence is not OK!
The tools, skills and awakening was given to me in 1992 and I have been able to utilise them ever since.
The answer lies with and in you, after you have attended an anger management programme.
If you have a problem with your car? You go see a mechanic!
If you have a plumbing problem you contact a plumber.
If you are considering buying a house you go see and talk with your bank manager.
YEA.
Well if you have a problem with anger YOU GO TO AN ANGER MANAGEMENT PROGRAMME.
It really is that simple.
I can only say this cos that is what I did. When it was pointed out to me that I was violent it was hard to take...and even harder to accept that I needed help with violence that had been ‘my friend' for so long.
I entered the programme in 1992 and it took me most of that year to get the tools and skills embedded in my head in order to start to look at life differently and act differently.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
