29 Jan 2010
Hi Vic, I know I am violent, well sort off. I need help fast before I lose my family. I always raise my voice at my partner then she starts to cry and makes me even more mad. I hate seeing another woman cry. We had a fight before and my seven month old daughter started to cry I didn't know what to do after that. It's not an every day thing, I try and be a good father and partner.
Hi, you are a good father and partner, by the simple fact that you have sent this email asking for help.
Violence IS part of your life and you need to deal with the ugliness of it. Raising your voice is usually just the beginning.
The fact that it's happening and you don't know what to do about it is a sign that you need help and fast. I always thought that I was a good person and that the use of violence, including raising my voice, would help settle any issue.
It didn't help at all and I needed help to figure out what the heck was going on in my life and why the use of violence was not ever working.
The way forward is to go the next step and dial 0800 456 450 to find the nearest anger management or stopping violence services in your area and give them a call to discuss your issue and enrolling for the next intake - to get you the help that you need that will in the long term benefit your partner and daughter.
That's what I did.
I phoned the stopping violence programme and attended the next intake, it was not easy. I had to swallow my pride and get myself there.
The stakes were high - THE SAFETY OF MY FAMILY - FROM MY VIOLENCE.
I hated to see my family in fear of me, I thought I knew about anger and how to control it but I didn't and it was the programme that gave me the tools and skills that continue to help me today.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
02 Feb 2012Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
... Read the answer25 Jan 2012
Hi Vic, I've been married to my wife for more than four years now and for the last 3+ years we have been living separated. My violence towards her had been verbal, mental, physical and everything else that you can think of that's violent. My abusive behaviour towards her had become more frequent like once a week and now she has taken a stand to not see and be with me physically until she is assured that she is safe around me again. I have lost her trust and she is scared that she we will lose our children to CYFS if she is around me any longer, she gets help from Family Start.
I also have two other children to my ex partner whom I never was violent towards and I love them (my children to my ex that is, not my ex), just as much as I love my wife and our kids and it's going to be hard for me to convince her of that for a while.
Every time I lose control of myself over our arguments and hurt her, straight after I can't believe what I've done and regret it so much that I think of taking my anger out on someone else or myself. I feel that smoking weed has contributed towards my anger and I have stopped smoking it completely and feel more clear headed and in control of myself but my wife needs more convincing than that.
We have been to couple counselling about a year and a half ago but it seemed like I only got worse. I i also did anger management and I still hadn't changed and also one on one counselling and that still didn't change me. My wife at first was the jealous type which caused me to lose respect for her but that aint no reason for abusing her. she has gained that respect back and now I don't what to lose her. I feel now that I can change and really need help.
I just recently lost my job and am really serious about getting help but can't afford to at the moment. What can I do? I've also tried the time-out thing and again, I know I can change this time round. Do you have any advice.
... Read the answer18 Jan 2012
Hi me and my girlfriend have recently had a baby boy and I love him and my girlfriend more then anything. But lately I have been snapping and having angry responses to things my girlfriend says and life in general. I haven't been an angry person earlier on in my life and it's only starting now, I've never hit my girlfriend or past girlfriends and don't think of it. But I know it's been upsetting her with my random outbursts of anger lately.
What I'm asking is if there's any kind of medication I can take for this? Because I get a good night's sleep so can't put it down to lack of sleep. Any help is appreciated thanks.... Read the answer
