07 Dec 2009
Hi Vic, I am in a very sticky situation and don't know what to do. My soon-to-be ex-husband has done nothing but physically, mentally, psychologically and emotionally abuse me for a very long period of time. I tried so hard to make things work but the realisation is he only married me to come to NZ and get residency, even after we separated I tried to keep the peace and make life bearable for all concerned, we have a son together.
He has been so abusive even after I left him. I have gotten to the point I don't want to even communicate with him as all he does is either abuse me or ignore me, I never thought I would hate anyone as much as I do him. What do I do? I just can't take any more and all trust has gone that he won't continue to abuse me. I'm being forced to communicate with him. The professional people know of all he put me through but are treating me like I'm the criminal not him. He has residency but he got it fraudulently and soon will be removed from NZ.
Vic I just don't know what to do. Why do women who have been abused get treated like they are the criminal? Others have tried talking to him, too many to count, but as it's been pointed out he has narcissistic tendencies. How do I deal with some one like that? I hope you can help even in a small way.
Hey, stay positive and don't let it get you stuck.
It is a situation that can be resolved.
Do you have custody of your son? You and your son need to be safe from the abuse and violence that your, ‘soon to be ex husband' has perpetrated.
Don't waste your time hating him, and I won't waste our time talking about him. As long as he does nothing about his abuse and violence, it will continue unabated.
HE IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM!
No matter how old your son is, the abuse and violence will have impacted on him. Ensure that your son is safe and has counselling available should he have a need for it.
YOU are the priority followed closely by your son. Gather around you people that will support you.
I strongly recommend you contact the Women's Refuge in your area, you can find them by ringing 0800 456 450 for the local contact details - they are a tower of strength for women.
They will help and support you through the process of communicating with your ‘soon to be ex husband'.
It will take a while for there to be healing in your life for what you have been through, make that passage easy for yourself by getting support. I wish for healing and restoration of your life.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
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04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer