28 Jul 2008
My hubby and I have been married for over 10 years, and have two wonderful kids. I've been noticing over the last year or so, that he is starting to put the kids down and calling them names. He doesn't see anything wrong with this, and won’t listen to me when I tell him it’s wrong. What should I do?
Hi thank you for your question.
Putting the children down and calling them names, from my personal experience, is the first indication that there is something wrong - AND you already know this because you've noticed the change in hubby's behaviour.
"He doesn't see anything wrong with this and won't listen to me when I tell him it's wrong."
What you've described above is serious. 1. that he cannot see that this behaviour is violence in the form of verbal abuse and put downs; 2. that he won't listen to you when you tell him it's wrong; and 3. a year is far too long to 'notice'.
YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT IT IS WRONG. Name calling and putting down kids is WRONG!
I would be interested to know what 'hubby's' childhood was like when he was the same age as YOUR two wonderful kids...
Now that I'm an adult I can look back and recall incidents in my life that had caused me to have life beliefs that determined how children should behave and how I was to discipline them.
ALL THOSE BELIEFS WERE WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!
It was learnt behaviour of power and control taught to me by adults when I was a kid and it only taught me to hate the people that called me these names or who put me down.
"IT'S NOT OK" to put the kids down and call them names. IT'S NEVER OK to put the kids down and call them names.
UNFORTUNATELY FOR ME
It was not until I was an adult when I attended an anger management group and got counselling, that I was given the knowledge and skills to be able to understand that this is an act of violence and that I needed to get help to deal effectively with this abuse, to change from the abusive behaviour and to not ever do it again and knowing what to replace it with and when and how to enact these new 'gifts'.
I thought it was my right to call my children names and yell at them and put them down and make them do what I wanted them to do.
When my family eventually got to the safe space to be able to share their thoughts with me about my behaviour IT BROKE ME to hear them say that they loved me BUT they were scared that at any time I could explode with name calling, put downs, swearing at them, then eventually bashing them
ALL BECAUSE I WANTED THINGS DONE MY WAY!
It's OK to ask for help. Check out this website, get some info, do some research, ring up a counsellor for children or families.
Check out this website http://www.occ.org.nz for this publication - Choose to Hug - it will give you some tips.
VicOther Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
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04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer