24 Apr 2009
Hey Vic,
Did the physical violence start with verbal abuse, as right now I'm not very pleasant at times to my partner and sometimes get to the point where I want to snap. I had a fight with my dad because he belted my mum, now he has died and I don't want to carry that cycle forward. I have already given up drinking as I thought the aggressiveness would have left me with the bottle...ratshit it didn't. Anyway, I won't hit my partner but do think I need a hand with the verbal abuse.
Thanks heaps for your time and good on you for making the decision you did to be violence free.
Hey,
Big ups to you my friend, for sending in your question to try and get a handle on this curse of family violence. I call it a curse - what else could it be, and yes it needs to be broken and got out of mine and your life.
You and I have better things to pass onto our children.
Family violence doesn't magically disappear when you stop drinking. The cause or issues that trigger the verbal abuse or physical violence is still festering away and it's the cause or issues that need to be sorted.
Physical violence can start from the verbal violence but not always. I congratulate you for not wanting to carry the violent cycle on.
GET THE SKILLS AND TOOLS TO MAKE THAT HAPPEN
In order for me to understand what family violence was, I attended and completed an anger management programme, twice, to get the skills, the knowledge, the tools to know what I was dealing with.
It was hard cos I had to give up all the familiar things that had kept me a violent person for 30+ years, da bad habits were hard to break. I often liken it to trying to fix the motor in my car with a tooth brush.
Can a motor of a car be rebuilt with a toothbrush? I don't think so! You need to have the right tools and skills to do the job. The anger management programme gave me those tools and skills, I learnt, well, how to use the tools and over the last 16 years have kept on upskilling, so that I can cope with any given situation without resorting to any kind of violence.
When I talk about verbal abuse I mean all of it, the swearing, the put downs, belittling a person, using their gender, ethnicity, age, to put another person down.
There are so many other tools that we can use other than verbal and physical violence and the greatest of those, for me, was to being able to communicate how I feel and how to listen to what my people have to say to me and being able to safely say that I am angry or mad about something in a non-threatening way.
There is a programme in your local area that you can link into, check out the GET HELP 0800 456 450. I know you want to be free from the cause and effect of the violence that you have experienced. You're onto it my friend.
Join me my friend get the tools and skills and say to the rest of Aotearoa New Zealand that Family Violence is not OK, and
It is OK to Ask for Help.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
... Read the answer
04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer