18 Aug 2008
Hi Vic, I am in a partnership with a Filipino lady. I am struggling. I am feeling unloved and unrespected. I am trying to make it work. Two weeks ago we fought and I got angry. I threw things and broke things. This morning it nearly happened again. I feel ignored all the time. I feel she won’t make any changes, any compromises. After the last reconciliation it was ok for a few days, then back to the same ole same ole. I get angry inside. I have a reasonably stressful job. I am a recovering alcoholic - but have no plans to reopen the drinking book. I am also trying to quit smoking. But I (we) do need help. Any suggestions?
There is a lot going on in your life! Straight up I can’t see "partnership" in what you have written in your question. Your partner is your partner - she's not there to change and compromise to meet your needs and demands.
Ok we know that throwing and breaking things and fighting didn't work SO LET’S NOT GO THERE AGAIN. K. Obviously this violent behaviour is not earning you the respect and love that you BELIEVE YOU DESERVE. You say that you get angry inside - YOU also get angry on the outside fighting, throwing and breaking things.
I was always angry inside, I literally saw RED cos I couldn't unravel the puzzle of what was going on and had real problems with communicating what my needs were and what I wanted and the associated feelings. I wanted all those things that you want and I tried and I tried and I tried but to no avail.
I didn't have the comprehension or understanding of what it was that I was going through.
WHY WAS I NOT BEING HEARD?
WHY WAS I STRUGGLING?
WHY WAS I BEING IGNORED?
WHY WAS I NOT BEING APPRECIATED?
WHY WAS I NOT BEING RESPECTED?
WHAT IS LOVE?
My response was to get angry and smash, trash, thrash and bash AND IT GOT ME NOWHERE FAST.
What I needed was to get the tools and skills to fix ME first before I could ask or demand anything off anyone else.
Once I had got the tools and skills through the anger management programme that I attended I could see how the pieces all fitted together. I understood that my behaviour and mannerisms only got me negative reactions and responses, by getting the right learnings and modifying my behaviour, I could ask AND I could demand and openly communicate without having any negative feelings.
It took a lot of practice for me cos I had a big rubbish bag that I needed to empty out and replace, but I got there. THAT'S WHY I CAN DO THIS ME TO YOU.
Please seek out an anger management group in your area and do the programme and get the personal healing first. You can find out what’s available in your area by phoning 0800 456 450.
BRO nothing changes if nothing changes. You are a good person, for MAN(ing) UP and trying to sort out the life issues around the cause and effects of your violent behaviour.
Let’s get it under control YEAH, and get your life and partnership where it needs to be - violence free
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
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04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer