21 Jan 2009
Hi Vic. I have a bad temper. I don’t get violent, but I get very abusive. I don’t know why I get like this but I think it is the constant being run down and nagged by my wife. She does not pay the accounts etc and when I ask her why, it normally leads to an argument. Then I start swearing. After that I get rejected for weeks on end and that makes matters worse and the arguing starts again. What can I do? Regards, Kevin
Kevin - thank you for taking the time to check out this site and for trying and find answers to the issues you are facing at the moment.
Honestly Kevin - it sounds like you ain't gonna be able to sort it out on your own!
Big upps to you bro for not getting violent, please be strong and keep yourself in check and not get violent, while we try and sort out what it is that's going on. K.
Being abusive and swearing and all that carry on isn't gonna help!
First we need to get a handle on your temper before it escalates to anything more than swearing and get YOU to a point where you can calmly discuss the 'accounts etc'.
Now there are heaps of help agencies in your area and you can find them on this website, or you can ring 0800 456 450 to find out what's available locally.
You Kevin... YOU need to make the contact on the 0800 number to get to a local anger management group to understand all the buttons that are being pushed that cause your temper to rise and for you to become abusive.
It’s all about what KEVIN'S going to do about KEVIN'S temper and abusive swearing.
There are probably heaps of other issues that will need sorting out as well, you can take care of all the other issues once you have got your act together.
I am not saying that you are completely to blame for your situation.
I know that once you can get your temper and abuse under control COMMUNICATION can start to be a real thing and getting help from a Budget Advisory Service to help get your bills on automatic payment may help.
This is just the start of uncovering, discovering and recovering from family violence cos It's not Ok!
Please keep in touch and let me know how you’re getting on. K.
Stopping family violence works if you work on it!
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
... Read the answer
04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer