07 Aug 2012
Hi, my husband and I have been through a lot together, he gets very angry, and puts all his anger at me, to the point I am scared. There has been physical abuse. Now we have talked and do love each other and both openly admitted we are living an abusive relationship, and it is not ok. What would be the next step for us? My husband comes from a dysfunctional family where he was sexually abused and has carried this anger throughout life.
Hi thank you for taking the time to write in with your question. The next step is to get as much help as possible.
• Ring our information line on 0800 456 450
• Get the contact details for the local stopping violence programme
• Sign up for the next intake and attend the stopping violence programme to completion.
These programmes are mainly for male perpetrators. If possible see if there is a programme you can attend together. If you cannot attend with your husband you must begin counselling individually and as a couple.
It would be good if you could go through the programme together and support each other. If not, check out what the possibilities are for yourself.
Sexual abuse is traumatic for a little person to have suffered. The trauma will have not lessened over the years for your husband and it's a journey that he will have to take alone, but on the stopping violence programme with others or individually with a counsellor.
Your husband is going to need all the support as he goes through this journey, you will be the best person for him to call on for love and support. BUT you cannot be his counsellor or mentor.
You also have been impacted by his anger while living in that abusive relationship with physical abuse and with the knowledge that he was brought up in a dysfunctional family having suffered sexual abuse.
YOU HAVE SUFFERED ALONG WITH YOUR HUSBAND
FAMILY VIOLENCE IS NOT OK
You also will need support as he is goes through his stuff you will need to get that support by ringing the 0800 number to find the contact details of those support networks.
Check out these websites
http://www.nzfvc.org.nz/
http://www.shatteredlives.org.nz/
YOU HAVE BOTH BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH... and well done that you have talked about it and have admitted that your relationship has been an abusive one.
This is the first step on the journey to getting the healing and wellness
IT'S OK TO ASK FOR HELP.
I wish you both all the best in the start of a new journey together.
Please keep in touch
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
14 May 2013Hi Vic, I have been with the father of two of my kids for five years now. About two months after we started dating, his grandparents were killed in a car accident by a texting driver.
I'm bringing that up because I think that's when it started.
When he's good he is amazing and such a good dad. But more often he's angry over such small things. He flips! When he gets real angry he yells at the kids (two years and six months). He's very intimidating with his voice.
When I cop it, which averages one to two times a week he gets real mad and calls me bitch and f**k up/off stupid and mutters a lot under his breath. But when he loses it about two times a month I have been called a slut, told to f**k off. When I say I'm going to leave the house to get away I get told if I leave he hopes I get raped, calls me a dog and he has also wished me dead to name a few.
Don't get me wrong - after five years I no longer just take it. I argue back. But never say such things he says to me!
I love him so much but I think he needs some help. He's just too stubborn to ask. The last five years have taken their toll and I'm now on Fluoxetine (Prozac) daily as I was so low from being run down all the time.
He has one to three Woodstocks daily and also smokes (green) which I've asked him to start by eliminating drink first to see if that is the trigger. But it still hasn't happened. Also, is weed addictive? He says it's not yet he needs it daily.
Please give me some advice on how to help him. Thank you. ... Read the answer
07 May 2013
My husband and I have today separated after a five year relationship. I had a difficult family environment to grow up in and so did he. I have snapped many times and flown at him in a blind rage, he says I "lose control" - and I know that my behaviour has hurt our son as this has happened in front of him, as has his anger toward me.
The other side of this is that he also is violent to me, and though I can't remember when it started, he calls me names like "psycho b***" and tells me that I am useless at everything I do, that he hates me and the sound of my voice and that I need help but never try to change.
I do seem to lose the plot when he calls me these names - I had a stepmother that would often talk to me that way and used to have panic attacks from it. Not long ago I called the police during an argument, where I backed him into a corner afraid of his leaving, and he snapped and put his hand on my throat and squeezed. He got out on bail and has been seeing a counsellor who he says is helping a lot but he still calls me the names and says he won't stop until I stop being what he calls me.
At the moment I have suggested that I go to live with my mum, who is now worried about me leaving my son with his father at home. I don't know what to do at the moment as I do love him and married him to spend my life with him. But he thinks the blame lies mostly on me.
Every time he leaves to get space in an argument he tells me that it's over for good and he's never coming back.
This breaking up with me in every argument has been going on for years also.
What should I do?
... Read the answer29 Apr 2013
Me and my partner have been together almost five years. We have two children together and another on the way.
I am very confused about my partner. When we are doing good we are doing really good. But I just gotta do one thing wrong and he'll snap!
He has been violent in the past and I'm not sure if he'll do it again.
He's really jealous and doesn't like me to dress up or anything. He dislikes all my friends and if I go out with them he will hit me for it.
Also if I don't do what he wants he gets mad and calls me names.
I think I should leave him but I love him and believe he can change.
What do you think?
I get scared of him a lot also.... Read the answer
