28 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am a 21 year old, I have been with my partner for over a year and am expecting our first child in two weeks. Although I feel we rushed things in the beginning, he was lovely, caring and would do anything for anyone. I was extremely vulnerable when I met him with no family or friends, we moved in together after just three months, and that's when he started hitting me. At the time I lost my job and so he was financially supporting us, for which I am very grateful, however he would hit me when I didn't get paid, or we would argue over money.
Several times he chucked me out knowing I'd got nowhere else to go, he even told me to leave when I was in my nightwear and it was raining. When I refused he threw me out. I kept on forgiving, thinking it was my fault and I was causing him to be stressed. Over time it got worse from throwing me into doors to strangling me to punching me in the head several times whenever he got angry. I was scared and very alone with nowhere to go, no money and not a permanent job. I felt trapped. I tried to leave but always went back after his apologies because I felt like it was my fault.
When we found out I was pregnant he promised to stop. My work picked up and the hitting started to slow down, and then finally stop, however recently we moved to a bigger house to accommodate the new baby, and whilst moving and I was 34 weeks pregnant he started pushing me again and shouting on the day of moving into the house. He punched me in the face and has started hitting me when he gets angry. Again he always makes me feel like it's my fault, like I'm in the wrong, that I made him that way. I don't want to bring my baby into this. I feel weak, scared and alone with no one to talk to.
What's your advice. Should I leave for good or will he change? If we got help?
Hallo, thank you for writing in. This is a very dangerous time for you and the baby and it is not going to get any better until he gets help.
PLEASE GET OUT OF THERE NOW
This violence is NOT your fault. You are not in the wrong.
For your safety and the safety and future of your unborn child get out of there NOW. You are absolutely right you don't want to bring your baby into this.
I understand you feel weak, scared and alone with no one to talk to. I understand, I hear you and my advice is for you to leave.
If you feel that you are unsafe NOW ring the Police, this is your first port of call to be safe, ring 111. Call them. They will keep you safe, there are trained family violence coordinators in just about every Police station now. You do not need to put up with abuse and violence.
FAMILY VIOLENCE IS NOT OK!
Get out and get to a safe house. As soon as he goes to work ring Women's Refuge. Ring the crisis line and make a plan to get to their safe house.
http://www.womensrefuge.org.nz/
Crisis line: 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843.
Do not wait for the next time for the violence to happen. His safety at this stage is not your concern or issue. You and the unborn child are the PRIORITY.
He will need to get help for his violence and abuse. Violence is the only way that he knows how to deal with any and all issues. He's a violent, abusive bully and in order to get things done his way, he uses power and control techniques, which is all the violence stuff that he is doing to. At the moment he cannot change because he doesn't know what to change to, as he has never been shown any other way to deal with problems or issues. This violence will continue until he gets help.
The best way for him to get help is to ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and ask for the contact details of the local stopping violence programme, get on the programme and finish it. If he gets on the programme and successfully completes it, this will be the start of his journey to being a safe man. BUT it is just the start.
He will need the ongoing support of men who have also successfully completed a stopping violence programme and ongoing counselling. This in some cases may take years. He at this stage has shown no remorse and no compassion. He is a real threat to you and your unborn child.
Q. If he is like this now, will he be any different when your child is born?
A. NO!!!
Hope all this helps you to understand what is going in your relationship and gives you the confidence that this is not your fault and helps you to make the right decisions.
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
22 May 2013Me and my partner have been together nearly four years and have five kids between us including three under six. Lately he has been quite angry and smashes my things, gets in my face, bruises me, threatens to kill himself and threatens to take my son. If I try to talk to him he just says I'm winding him up. Any questions including asking for help with house duties, it always winds him up. I love him so much but I don't want to be like this anymore, it's making my bipolar worse, I'm never happy anymore. I don't feel like I could ever leave him, he really scares me sometimes, but I also really love him, sometimes I think I'm just making it up. What should I do? ... Read the answer
14 May 2013
Hi Vic, I have been with the father of two of my kids for five years now. About two months after we started dating, his grandparents were killed in a car accident by a texting driver.
I'm bringing that up because I think that's when it started.
When he's good he is amazing and such a good dad. But more often he's angry over such small things. He flips! When he gets real angry he yells at the kids (two years and six months). He's very intimidating with his voice.
When I cop it, which averages one to two times a week he gets real mad and calls me bitch and f**k up/off stupid and mutters a lot under his breath. But when he loses it about two times a month I have been called a slut, told to f**k off. When I say I'm going to leave the house to get away I get told if I leave he hopes I get raped, calls me a dog and he has also wished me dead to name a few.
Don't get me wrong - after five years I no longer just take it. I argue back. But never say such things he says to me!
I love him so much but I think he needs some help. He's just too stubborn to ask. The last five years have taken their toll and I'm now on Fluoxetine (Prozac) daily as I was so low from being run down all the time.
He has one to three Woodstocks daily and also smokes (green) which I've asked him to start by eliminating drink first to see if that is the trigger. But it still hasn't happened. Also, is weed addictive? He says it's not yet he needs it daily.
Please give me some advice on how to help him. Thank you. ... Read the answer
07 May 2013
My husband and I have today separated after a five year relationship. I had a difficult family environment to grow up in and so did he. I have snapped many times and flown at him in a blind rage, he says I "lose control" - and I know that my behaviour has hurt our son as this has happened in front of him, as has his anger toward me.
The other side of this is that he also is violent to me, and though I can't remember when it started, he calls me names like "psycho b***" and tells me that I am useless at everything I do, that he hates me and the sound of my voice and that I need help but never try to change.
I do seem to lose the plot when he calls me these names - I had a stepmother that would often talk to me that way and used to have panic attacks from it. Not long ago I called the police during an argument, where I backed him into a corner afraid of his leaving, and he snapped and put his hand on my throat and squeezed. He got out on bail and has been seeing a counsellor who he says is helping a lot but he still calls me the names and says he won't stop until I stop being what he calls me.
At the moment I have suggested that I go to live with my mum, who is now worried about me leaving my son with his father at home. I don't know what to do at the moment as I do love him and married him to spend my life with him. But he thinks the blame lies mostly on me.
Every time he leaves to get space in an argument he tells me that it's over for good and he's never coming back.
This breaking up with me in every argument has been going on for years also.
What should I do?
... Read the answer