01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
Hallo, thank you for writing in.
I can feel for how you might be feeling. Along my journey with the It's not OK Campaign I have met a number of women that have been in the same position as yourself who have asked for help and whether I know of a programme that's for women that perpetrate family violence.
The issue of women that perpetrate family violence, although it is not as prevalent as it is for men and the numbers are not as high as for the men, the issues I believe, are exactly the same.
I believe women perpetrators need to address their issues by first leaving the home. If the victims of your violence are your partner and children then do the right thing and vacate the home.
Make the hard decision It's OK to Ask for Help, as you have done.
The home must be left safe and free of all forms of violence and as the perpetrator that means YOU. Yes it is hard, probably the hardest thing you will ever do BUT look at the alternative, the situation that you are in right now.
Now you need to arrange, coordinate and organize this properly. I am NOT saying for you to just leave and abandon your family. I am saying for you to get help so that you can properly understand and comprehend family violence and get the tools, language and communication skills so that that when you return home you are a safe person to be around, the ultimate goal is to ensure that YOU are a safe woman in a safe family.
Ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details for the local stopping violence programme to find out whether they run one for women, also make contact with the local Women's Refuge to see what programmes, resources and help they can provide. I know Women's Refuge assist women that have been the victims of family violence, they may also be available to help you in this circumstance, but you will need to contact them.
You will need to make an agreement with your partner and your family that this is and will be good for the entire family.
IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
This is your opportunity to find out all you can about the causes and effects of family violence on your family. What are the mitigating issues and the source, the part that you play in propagating the violence and then the tools and skills to break that cycle/curse.
This will be a lifelong process that leads to a lifestyle change firstly with you and in the greater scheme of things, all those around you.
The stopping violence people will be able to guide you through your journey. This journey will be a very emotional one and you will need the support of those that care and love you. You cannot go through it alone so please share with your husband as much as you possibly can without him being in a counsellor/therapist/facilitator role.
Find yourself a person that you can share with - a mentor/support person.
I will do as much as I can through this medium to support you. You can email me as much as you feel you need and I will reply.
Other Ask Vic Questions22 May 2013
Me and my partner have been together nearly four years and have five kids between us including three under six. Lately he has been quite angry and smashes my things, gets in my face, bruises me, threatens to kill himself and threatens to take my son. If I try to talk to him he just says I'm winding him up. Any questions including asking for help with house duties, it always winds him up. I love him so much but I don't want to be like this anymore, it's making my bipolar worse, I'm never happy anymore. I don't feel like I could ever leave him, he really scares me sometimes, but I also really love him, sometimes I think I'm just making it up. What should I do? ... Read the answer
14 May 2013
Hi Vic, I have been with the father of two of my kids for five years now. About two months after we started dating, his grandparents were killed in a car accident by a texting driver.
I'm bringing that up because I think that's when it started.
When he's good he is amazing and such a good dad. But more often he's angry over such small things. He flips! When he gets real angry he yells at the kids (two years and six months). He's very intimidating with his voice.
When I cop it, which averages one to two times a week he gets real mad and calls me bitch and f**k up/off stupid and mutters a lot under his breath. But when he loses it about two times a month I have been called a slut, told to f**k off. When I say I'm going to leave the house to get away I get told if I leave he hopes I get raped, calls me a dog and he has also wished me dead to name a few.
Don't get me wrong - after five years I no longer just take it. I argue back. But never say such things he says to me!
I love him so much but I think he needs some help. He's just too stubborn to ask. The last five years have taken their toll and I'm now on Fluoxetine (Prozac) daily as I was so low from being run down all the time.
He has one to three Woodstocks daily and also smokes (green) which I've asked him to start by eliminating drink first to see if that is the trigger. But it still hasn't happened. Also, is weed addictive? He says it's not yet he needs it daily.
Please give me some advice on how to help him. Thank you. ... Read the answer
07 May 2013
My husband and I have today separated after a five year relationship. I had a difficult family environment to grow up in and so did he. I have snapped many times and flown at him in a blind rage, he says I "lose control" - and I know that my behaviour has hurt our son as this has happened in front of him, as has his anger toward me.
The other side of this is that he also is violent to me, and though I can't remember when it started, he calls me names like "psycho b***" and tells me that I am useless at everything I do, that he hates me and the sound of my voice and that I need help but never try to change.
I do seem to lose the plot when he calls me these names - I had a stepmother that would often talk to me that way and used to have panic attacks from it. Not long ago I called the police during an argument, where I backed him into a corner afraid of his leaving, and he snapped and put his hand on my throat and squeezed. He got out on bail and has been seeing a counsellor who he says is helping a lot but he still calls me the names and says he won't stop until I stop being what he calls me.
At the moment I have suggested that I go to live with my mum, who is now worried about me leaving my son with his father at home. I don't know what to do at the moment as I do love him and married him to spend my life with him. But he thinks the blame lies mostly on me.
Every time he leaves to get space in an argument he tells me that it's over for good and he's never coming back.
This breaking up with me in every argument has been going on for years also.
What should I do?... Read the answer