02 Feb 2012
Kia ora Vic, I have been separated from my ex partner for a year, we have a child together. I left him because things got crazy with us, lots of power and control on his part, I lost my self esteem, became resentful.
I know I also had a part to play in our unhealthy relationship and I have been doing some therapy.
Anyway, because we still parent together I see my ex regularly. He has a huge history of violence and gangs, jail, but he is in recovery and he has supports.
At first after the breakup I was very afraid of him and had a safety plan which I stuck to. But after about six months we became more relaxed with each other. I had strict boundaries with him at first but these have also relaxed and we go out for kai with our bubba together, and have quite amicable conversations when we drop off and pick up bubba.
Recently I have really enjoyed our time together and he is the same and he is now proposing that we work things out and get back together.
I guess what I need to know from you, is do you think that two people who had power and control issues/unhealthy relationship get back together and have a healthy relationship (now that we have learned where we both went wrong) or are we just entering into another cycle of violence (a honeymoon phase perhaps before we head back in for more crap)?
Kia Ora. Thank you for writing in and wanting more wisdom and knowledge, tools and skills on your relationship with your ex partner and for the enhancement of your relationship together and with your bubba.
From what you have written, you and your partner have been through a lot together to end up in this ‘unhealthy relationship'.
It's ok that you acknowledge the part that you have played in your situation, acknowledging that family violence is not ok and that you are both on a path to bring about healing for yourself and your family.
The short answer to your question is YES you can get back together from an unhealthy relationship. It's a journey that you both must make individually and together. You must both address the violence and abuse that exists inside and get the help, tools, skills and communication techniques that you will need to call on when the violence and abuse raises its ugly head again.
The honeymoon can last as long as the two of you UNCOVER the ugliness DISCOVER the tools skills and communications to make it better and continue the healing process of RECOVERY.
Ring our information line on 0800 456 450 and get the contact details of the local help agencies in your area. Join a stopping violence programme and finish the course and learn all there is to know about the curse of family violence and the wisdom to put an end to it in your life.
Your partner will need to do the same.
The journey is easier when you go through it together, BUT you have to do for yourself and if your partner does it for himself you will be equally yoked IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP.
All the best.
Vic.
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
... Read the answer
04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer