There is no need to get angry and annoyed and drink or get frustrated. Your 3 boys and partner need you BUT you need to be free of the anger.

Just sitting and getting annoyed and frustrated and drinking IS NOT the answer....

CHANGE... It can happen. Please believe me. YOU can change.

Please, check out the services that are available on this website and/or ring the 0800 number, find the service that's closest to you. Sign up and do your best to get as much knowledge as possible from a family violence or anger management programme.

I was a angry man, and had no way to handle the issues that came up:
- when I was a young fulla going to school and at church,
- when I got married with my wife and kids,
- at work
- playing sports
- going out for the night.

Handling every issue by wanting to smash someone, I was trapped in the jaws of violence.

I was always angry and frustrated. All the things that I tried were not helping me get any closer to an answer or helping me or my family. Threatening, intimidating, verbally abusing and bashing didn't work nor did getting frustrated or drinking, drugging etc, etc, etc.

The older I got the worse I was getting.

When I had bashed my youngest child, my 8 year old daughter, black and blue with the heel of a shoe and my wife had taken all the kids and left me and a Social Worker was at the front door, then I finally had to face the truth.

VIC HAD NO ANSWERS

About 1991/92 I signed into an Anger Management programme and never looked back.
I wanted to know what it was all about. I was sick of not being able to figure why I was so angry and didn't seem to have any other way but violence to deal with every issue.

Once I joined the course I began to understand that I had never been shown what anger was or taught ways to look at my anger and ways to address and handle it without being violent.

I was taught to be tough, staunch, never back down and give the bash.

So when I joined the STOP programme, I wanted it, I NEEDED IT!

I had to pick up the skills and tools and begin to MAKE IT MY LIFE so that I could be a better person, even though I thought I was a good guy!

It was about doing it for Vic, ‘cos I had to beat this violent streak that I had. Get this sussed then maybe my family would benefit from the changes that I put into practice.

After I came home from the anger management group every week I would share what I had learnt with my wife and kids.

They were the ones that had been the victims of my violence and they had to now receive the benefits from the programme. By informing them of the learnings from the programme they were able to monitor my behaviour and let me know if they were feeling unsafe with me around.

It's been a long journey since 1991/2.

2008 and the journey to be safe and violence free continues.

I will never stop learning about the ways to keep myself safe and free from violence for my wife, kids and grandchildren and the public. There is so much I want to share with you to help you break what I call 'the curse' of family violence.

Please take the next step and find an Anger Management or Stopping Violence programme and get yourself SAFE.

FOR YOU
FOR YOUR PARTNER AND SONS
BUT MOSTLY FOR YOU

Please keep in touch - I care about YOU, the safety of your partner, and the future for your sons to grow up free from the curse of family violence.

Man I sure hope this helps.

Vic

Other Ask Vic Questions

08 May 2012
Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.

I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.

My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.

What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.

The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.

How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.

Thanks Vic

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01 May 2012

Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.

He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h

If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do

 

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04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.

I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?

I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.

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