11 Aug 2008
Hey, I have a boyfriend of 5 years now and we have a 2 year old son. My boyfriend has a very big anger problem and although he has not yet hit me he threatens and smashes things around me. He also does it in front of our son. There are times when my boyfriend and I have been in the car and he’s gone off his nut and starts driving erratically making me actually fear for my life. This all gets worse when he drinks which isn’t regularly but I’m afraid when he has drunk. Other times when he’s not violent he’s very caring and loving towards both me and our son but I’m confused about what to do really. Should I stay and help him or run?
Hi, thanks for your question
LET ME RECAP...
Boyfriend:
- has a very big anger problem
- he threatens and smashes things around me
- he’s gone off his nut
- starts driving erratically making me actually fear for my life
- all gets worse when he drinks
- other times when he’s not violent he’s very caring and loving towards both me and our son
Let’s get one thing sorted, the list above, all the things that you say that your boyfriend is doing IT’S ALL ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR AND INDICATORS OF THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE and IT IS NOT OK.
Until he wants and gets the help
YOU CAN’T HELP HIM!
I've done all the things your boyfriend is doing. I couldn't understand where my violence was coming from and all I knew was to smash, trash, thrash, and bash. It wasn't until after I had bashed my 8 year old daughter that I was FORCED yea FORCED to go and find and ask for help, before that I actually thought I was OK. I was not OK.
I was over thinking, under thinking, not thinking and stinking thinking, I couldn't figure out why things were not getting better after giving the bash. WHY wasn't it working? Cos I didn't have any SAFE thinking re my violence. I was on automatic, I had pressed the replay button and it was glued down with superglue!
I never knew, no one had ever told me, no one ever had ever shown me, taught or modelled for me any other another way to deal with my anger and violence.
I went to STOP the anger management programme for men - and THEY, not my wife, gave me the tools to be able to understand and control my anger. Then I was able to explain it all to my wife and children and allow them to tell me, without getting angry, the affect that my violence had had on them. We even came up with a safety plan that would swing into play if they ever felt unsafe or threatened by me. It eventually got to the point where the kids would just say ‘awww daad' and that was enough of a lead in for me to activate my plan to keep my family safe.
I WAS THE ONE DOING ALL THE VIOLENCE AND ABUSE!! SO I HAD TO DO ALL THE WORK to STOP my violence and abuse.
Your boyfriend needs to get help NOW! There are programmes available in your area.
The boyfriend needs to check them out. Our information line on 0800 456 450 has details of programmes available in your area.
The best advice I can offer you is to encourage your boyfriend to ring one of the men's non violence programmes in your area and get their professional advice and help. They are the trained people, in this field, to give him the help.
You need to think about what you can do to keep you and your child safe, you can ring the 0800 line to find out what support services are available for you.
And from me to your boyfriend: It’s OK Bro, it’s OK to ask for help and I'm here to support you and get you back to the caring and loving person towards both your partner and your son THAT I KNOW YOU ARE!
Vic
Other Ask Vic Questions
08 May 2012Kia Ora Vic, I recently split with my ex because of domestic violence. The latest episode was me being annoyed which triggered him off. I feel that I should always be in a good, happy mood but he can feel however he wants.
I tried to get my kids to safety by asking him to leave...he didn't.
Then I told him to leave...he still didn't.
The usual story, I repeatedly got punched in the head, tried to call the cops and he physically stopped me many times.
My kids got hurt by my head hitting them (as my head was being punched around). I begged him to leave me alone then gave up and fought for my life and kids. My mum came up home and found him pounding my head while I was in a headlock. She managed to stop him and we got a hold of the cops. They came and helped.
What I'm having trouble understanding is how he can only think about HIMSELF going through court etc on his own but didn't once ask about our kids? They're only 1 and 3 and my 3 year old was distraught after watching her mother get beaten. I feel he's being so selfish and I don't know how he can't see that. He wants us back and unfortunately, I miss our good times and want to be with him too.
The thing is though, I want our kids safe more than I want to be with him so I won't go there until he gets the help he needs. Even then, I'm not sure if I can go back. The majority of the men I know that used to abuse their partners came right in the end. My dad, koro, partner's dad, partner's granddad - even a friend of mine.
How does "he" get the help he needs (especially when money for him is an issue)?
Are there free things that can help him? And what can I do to help without being 100% involved with him at this stage? I'm still recovering myself but want him to know there's help available if accepts it.
Thanks Vic
... Read the answer01 May 2012
Hi Vic, I am so ashamed to admit this, but I abuse my husband. I used to just verbally abuse him, tell him he was useless and put down all of the things he did wrong. I was so horrible to him, but as times gone on I've recently started to lash out and hit him. I scratch, pull hair, hit and punch him and I can't control it.
He does defend himself by pushing me and holding me down but I'm the abuser, there is no doubt about that. I have two gorgeous children who are under 2 and my toddler has seen me hit his father before. It makes him scared and I don't even realise that h
If I'm completely honest, I have hit my son before (just a smack on the hand) but still I feel so horrible. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want my husband to leave me or think I'm a crazy bitch! I also and most importantly want my son to feel safe and not worry about seeing us fight anymore. I want to be happy and I want my husband to be happy. Please help me, I don't know what to do
... Read the answer
04 Apr 2012
Hello, tonight he slapped our ten year old son twice very hard a called him a f***tard. When I confronted him and told him he couldn't do that again he pulled me up by the collar of my dressing gown and warned me never to threaten him again. I warned him that I would call the police if he didn't stop as his behaviour is abusive and he warned me if I ever threatened him again I wouldn't have to worry about cops. He didn't say the words but it felt like threat on my life.
I am scared but I am trying to think ahead. I am far away from my home and family.
If I leave where am I to go? How do I make children understand that the way he is acting is wrong and it is the right thing to do to leave? I want to know how I can make my partner see that he is abusive? What can I do to make him change his ways? And if I leave how do I know what is a safe amount of contact he should have with our children?
I know it's a lot of questions but I would really appreciate help. Also, I am right in saying that his behaviour is abusive? I also worry about the area I am in. The work my partner is in is very protective of their own.
... Read the answer